June 2011

No, the limes are doing OK. I mean, you’re always hearing about people ‘in the limelight’ or ‘stealing the limelight’, right? And that’s a good thing, being in the limelight means you’re famous and you’re on a stage, dancing around with people throwing coins and flowers at you and stuff. But you never hear about people being ‘in the lemonlight’, do you? Because the lemonlight is horrible. If you were in the lemonlight it would not mean you were on a stage, having the time of your life in front of an adoring public screaming their heads off and then sticking them back on with special Head Glue. No. It would mean you were a dirty old horror who ate out of bins and slept in a phone box, I’m afraid. So don’t worry about the limes – if you ask me, it’s the lemons who need an image makeover.

Actually that wasn’t a soft toy Totoro, that was the real Totoro. And don’t tell me it wasn’t because you don’t know, I do. And it can make grunting noises and grow really big if it wants and sometimes I see it standing outside my flat in the rain, waiting for a massive cat-bus to come by. So just think before you write next time, Jim. If you are the real Jim and not just a soft toy version of Jim. Which wouldn’t even surprise me, to be honest. As for Studio Ghibli, they are amazing. ‘Spirited Away’ is one of the best films ever made. And you should all watch ‘My Neighbour Totoro’ as well, if only to see what a ‘massive cat-bus’ looks like.

What a fantastic song! I give it 8! Out of a hundred. Can anyone do even better than Jasper? Send in your songs about chicken noodles and we’ll continue to publish them, unless we forget or get bored.

How about a spoon? You can show it to people and say, ‘I didn’t know what I wanted for my birthday so I asked this crazy guy called Andy Stanton with too much hair and a stupid beard what I should go for, and he said a spoon and I don’t really know what I was thinking, but for some reason I listened to him and yes, I asked for a spoon for my birthday. And now I’ve got it. A spoon. One lousy spoon. That’s the last time I ever ask Andy Stanton for advice, I can tell you.’ It might not make you very happy, Isobel, but it’d be a pretty good story.

It is not. Who starts these rumours? People who are scared of cheese puffs are babies, not good babies but silly little babies who keep bumping their heads on the furniture and dribbling all over themselves and trying to eat money and dog food.

Ha, that’s great! I once went to a funeral accidentally dressed as a clown. No, not really. But years ago when I was working as a medical secretary in the NHS, I got up one morning and, thinking I was late, I got dressed in ten seconds flat, brushed my teeth really quickly, splashed some water on my face, ran downstairs and set off for work. As I walked along I became aware that something wasn’t right. The sky was mysteriously grey, not dark exactly but sort of like a dream… And there were hardly any cars around and no people on the streets. I looked at my watch and realized it was 3 o’clock in the morning. For some reason, I’d woken up about five hours earlier than I should have and just done everything on autopilot. It was really spooky, a bit like when Polly goes to the windmill at night in ‘Mr Gum and the Power Crystals’. Except I didn’t have any magic crystals telling me what to do, just my stupid brain getting confused and saying, ‘YOU’RE LATE! GO TO WORK! QUICK! QUICK! GO TO WORK! NOW!’

Well, that is very kind of you, Anne-Marie. I’m rubbish at other languages but here’s something I typed into one of those online translation programmes: Viel Glück mit Ihrer Zeitung und viel Glück mit, ein Journalist, Anne-Marie. Auch dachte ich, ich würde versuchen, einige interessante Wörter auf diese Übersetzung Programm jetzt, dass ich hier bin: Fischstäbchen! Belly Button! Ink Nase Alraune Jet-Ski Drachen Türkei Flitter! Nash! Wiggle! Roustabout! Nest stiehlt! Croupier! Nun, das hat Spaß gemacht. Auf Wiedersehen! (English speakers: If you’d like to see what it all ‘means’, go to http://translate.google.com/#de|en| and see what you can do.)

OK. WHOA. Now this is really weird, Ina. Because I was just talking about that exact same bit of the story when I answered Willow a couple of questions ago – and I hadn’t even read your question yet. Seriously, that is spooky! I’ve never talked about that before on ‘Ask Andy’ – and now look! A question from you about exactly that subject. Which just goes to show that life is very strange and dreams are very strange too and sometimes what you dream is real and sometimes what you don’t dream is real and sometimes you think you’re dreaming something but then you wake up only to find you’re not dreaming at all but that you were awake throughout the whole thing and then you turn around and – OH, MY GOD! WHAT’S THAT?! A CHEESE PUFF?! AAARGH, I’M TERRIFIED OF CHEESE PUFFS! WHAT’S HAPPENING?!!!! I WANT TO WAKE UP RIGHT NOW!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!

No, our high streets are ugly enough as they are.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! OKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! First thing is, don’t use up all your letters at once on words like ‘PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEE’. There’s only so many letters in the world and although some of them can be used again (for instance, when people recycle newspapers, magazines or copies of What’s For Dinner, Mr Gum! because they got a misprinted copy with a chapter about a flamingo in), you do have to be careful not to waste them. No, not really. You can do whatever you like, Ella! You can put mysterious speDWKAlling mistakes in the middle of words if you like! You can write words sdrawkcab! In fact, I wrote a whole backwards story at the end of Mr Gum and the Secret Hideout just because I thought it would be fun and make people’s brains melt. Truly, Ella, the great thing about writing is that there are no rules. Or that there are rules – but if you know how to break them, you can make wonderful things happen. So, having said that, here’s my top five tips for you today: 1/ Read as many books as you can. The more books you read, the more you’ll know what sort of things make good writing – and also, you’ll find out what bad writing looks like too when you read a bad book, so you’ll know what to avoid. 2/ Write what interests you. Don’t worry about anyone else – just entertain yourself first and foremost. If you’re into what you’re doing, chances are that someone else will enjoy it too, when you do come to show it to them. 3/ CARRY A NOTEBOOK. When an idea comes to you – write it down straight away so you don’t forget it. I can’t tell you the number of ideas I’ve forgotten over the years. These days I carry a notebook and write down stuff as soon as it enters my head. 4/ Get to the end of the story! Don’t give up. Even if you think it’s rubbish, it’s usually worth pressing on with. For me, the most difficult bit is getting the first version of the story (the ‘first draft’) down. Once I’ve got that – the whole thing, from A – Z – then I go back and edit it to try to make it as good as possible. But you’ll never get anywhere unless you can finish that first draft. It doesn’t have to be great, it doesn’t have to even be that good. And when you come to edit it, you might change HUGE things about it. When I wrote Mr Gum and the Dancing Bear, I had an entirely different ending in the first draft. Doesn’t matter! Finish it! Go back to it and edit it. And that’s when you work to polish it and make it excellent. That is your task, Ella, and a fine and difficult one it is. 5/ When you get stuck, go for a walk in the park to clear your head. Or go for a nice hot bath. Or go for a bath in the park. Actually, don’t do that last one, you’ll get arrested or at least put on YouTube. Finally, if I saw a rat and a mouse sharing cheese I would get down on all fours and join the feast.

I am happy that you’re happy. And I’m particularly glad that the whole thing with Meadhbh has now been resolved. (Note to readers: For the past month, Orla, Aoife and Meadhbh have been involved in a vicious legal battle over the rights to the song ‘Chicken Noodles, Me And You’. But finally, with both sides hiring crack teams of laywers, and after hundreds of work hours, appeals, counter-appeals, counter-counter appeals, personal allegations and character attacks in the tabloids, etc.; and at a cost of around £3.6million to the taxpayer – it seems the matter can finally be laid to rest. Meadhbh will be credited as a co-writer on the song (after Orla and Aoife, who are really the Lennon-McCartney of ‘Chicken Noodles, Me And You’, with Meadhbh perhaps representing the George Harrison, or Billy Preston, of the piece) and will receive a flat 6% royalty on all usages worldwide in perpetuity etc. etc. (For further details of the outcome and a full transcript of the hearings, please contact the High Court.)

I don’t think he does, they just keep on buzzin’. And by the way, your name is Quentin D. Silverfish-Levenstein II. You’re welcome.

Yes.

It is, Lowri! What a delightful question! I can’t help but feel that you are a gingerbread person yourself, your question is so delightful and cute! Are you, Lowri? Are you? Are you a gingerbread person? Hey, everyone! Let’s all go round to Lowri’s tiny little sugarcane house in the marshmallow meadow and tickle her under her little gingerbread chin while the marzipan sun smiles down upon the bright green fondant grass and the fluffy candyfloss sheep go gambolling by, with a twinkle in their boiled sweet eyes! A-CHOO! Oh, no! Little Lowri’s done a teeny tiny little gingerbread sneeze! It’s growing cold and starting to rain – but hang on! The rain is just strawberry lemonade! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! Well, that was fun. Who’s next?

Probably a rat and a mouse sharing cheese. And then, as you might already know, I would get down on all fours and join the feast. Right, that’s your lot, everyone. Thanks for all your brilliant yet unusual questions. Have a good June and I’ll see you again in July. Deal? Deal! Byeeeeee!