April 2010

The power to throw his farts, the way ventriloquists throw their voice. For instance, he could let one go in his living room and it would affect someone all the way in Switzerland or Greece. And he’d wear a brown cape and be known as ‘The Fartful Dodger’, I imagine.

Being an NHS lackey means I used to work in hospitals, typing letters for the doctors and answering phones and so forth. People are always complaining about the NHS (National Health Service) but I think it’s great. Still, I’m glad I don’t work there anymore as it was getting a bit boring. They never let me do anything exciting like cutting the patients up. As for Wikipedia, I didn’t write my own article, I don’t know who is responsible for that sort of business.

Probably to be better at the guitar. Either that or world peace. Hmm. I think I’ll stick with the guitar. You say I’m selfish, but just think of all the joy I’ll bring to the people of the world with my amazing guitar-playing. That’s what you’ve got to take into consideration before you go judging me, Yasmin.

I think Martin Launderette is one of those people who is just a bit of a misery-guts. He is jealous because Jonathan Ripples is a happier person than he is. He is a very deep and psychologically complex individual, as are all my characters.

She’s got her mother’s eyes and her father’s knees.

Nah. What’s the point?

You know, it’s depressing when the questions are funnier than any answers I can think of. Good luck with your imaginary social problems, Amy.

I like the Victorian era very much. I like all those marvellous inventions they came up with back then – the hot-air balloon, the inflatable 3000 foot-tall cat, that sort of thing. I also like the Medieval times because they were just so silly. And I like early twentieth Century American history because it looked the coolest, with all the streetcars and jazz. And finally I am very fond of 3.26pm to 3.39pm on August 14, 1981. That was a wonderful thirteen minutes.

Raspberries to you all.

You. Or maybe Pee-Wee Snootlebucks.

Clocksquealer and the Mink Traffic.

Thanks, Eva! I literally don’t know what to say. Here’s some ideas to get you started on stories: 1/ A daisy pulls itself out of the ground and goes for a walk and has an adventure. 2/ A boy at school bets everyone he can walk on the water in the swimming pool without getting wet and then has to prove it. 3/ You find a magic purse and every time you open it there’s more money inside. If you’re still stuck for funny ideas you could try remembering something funny that’s happened to you or your friends, and writing about that. (For example, see my next answer.) Good luck!

When I was about eight, we were staying in a hotel in Spain and I did a wee off the balcony. I thought I’d gotten away with it but apparently it hit a man on one of the floors below and he made a very angry and soggy complaint. I had to personally apologise to the hotel manager so he wouldn’t kick me and my family out. True.

It’s actually a nom de plum. You see, there I was, sitting under a plum tree one day trying to think of a good name when a load of plums fell on my head and beat out the letters ‘A – N – D – Y – S – T – A – N – T – O – N’ in morse code. Amazing but entirely true!

As far as I remember, I don’t think any of my characters have crept into my dreams. But I did once wake in the middle of the night with the mysterious phrase, ‘A GINGERBREAD MAN WITH ELECTRIC MUSCLES CALLED ALAN TAYLOR’ in my head. So Alan Taylor was sort of invented in a dream (or at least just after one). Well, folks. That’s all we’ve got time for this month. Happy April to you all - and watch out for the daffodils!