April 2011

No, not at all, Fahim! He’s a fantastically energetic fellow, who’s constantly busying himself with all sorts of delightful projects – building a birdhouse for the feathery friends who visit his garden; volunteering at the local library to encourage children to read more books; helping the elderly with their everyday requirements; and plenty more besides. So you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Mr Gug is not at all laz –oh, hold on. Did you say Mr Gum? Oh, right, sorry. Yeah, Mr Gum’s unbelievably lazy. One Monday morning, he spent an entire week in bed, don’t ask me how but it’s true.

No, not at all, Leo! He has a wonderful new car, with all the latest gadgets! And he loves nothing more than washing and waxing it until it’s as shiny as a bright green apple! And he tunes the engine until it purrs like a contented pussycat. So you see, nothing could be further from the truth. Mr Gup’s car is the very latest in – oh, hold on. Did you say Mr Gum? Oops, I’ve done it again, what’s wrong with me today? Mr Gum’s car is so broken that it’s actually just dust in the shape of a car, don’t ask me how but that’s true, too.

Hmm, I don’t know the answer to that, Florence. Maybe my friend, Sandy. She’s not so funny in the sense of cracking jokes all the time, but she always makes me laugh. Especially when I beat her at chess, she gets all angry and for some reason it cracks me up. And we always seem to get into funny adventures together and make each other laugh by repeating bizarre phrases in silly voices. My brother’s pretty funny too, I like making up stupid songs with him, although most of them are too rude to repeat here. He also came up with the names ‘Livermonk’ and ‘Funk-Whistle’ for Mr Gum and the Goblins, which, you have to admit, are pretty hilarious.

What a strange individual. Sorry about that, everyone.

How: Opens its beak and makes a barking noise. Why: Because nature is constantly surprising.

How dare you imply that I make up words, you snib?! Why, I’ve a good mind to jupperate your floob with a bamp-yarkled frabobboliser, that ought to teach you a lesson! You impertinent little gracket!

Oh, yes, he absolutely loves them, Elizabeth. He is a wonderful, good-natured fello – hold on, I’ve done that joke more than enough now. When all’s said and done, I don’t think Mr Gum really does enjoy the adventures, Elizabeth. He probably enjoys them while he’s winning. But as he never wins for long, it’s probably a bit of a bother for him overall. If only he’d give up, he could go back to having an easy life full of what he really loves – snoozing in bed all day. But horrors like Mr Gum never give up. They are so stupid that they always think they can win next time.

Now firstly, the fairy is a he, not a she; but you weren’t to know that, as it doesn’t say so in the book. So I’ll let you off. I don’t know what his reasoning is behind hitting Mr Gum with a frying pan, or why he doesn’t do it to anyone else. Angry fairies are laws unto themselves and you can never guess what they’re going to do next or why. When I was a boy, there was an angry fairy (a girl one this time) who lived in a field next to our school. And for some reason, nothing made her more furious than cats walking across the field. She was normally the size of an acorn, but if she saw a cat walking across ‘her’ field, she would instantly inflate to the size of a church, buy some eggs and fly off to Wales, where she would spend the next few hours forcing them up the nose of an innocent old man called Grandpa Jones who didn’t even own any cats and never meant anyone any harm. To this day I don’t know what that angry fairy’s problem was. My advice is to keep away from angry fairies in general, Marcie, they’ve got a lot of issues and never listen to reason.

No, she’s already married to Friday O’Leary. And although in Lamonic Bibber it is still legal to marry a bee, it is considered the height of bad manners to take a lady for one’s wife while she is still married to her husband. Besides, I don’t fancy her, I prefer brunettes.

I’m giving up giving up. But I can’t give up giving up because I’d have to give up to give up giving up and if I gave up giving up then I’d be giving up. Oh, boy. I give up! Next!

Rancid Vomit only made one album, Ben. It was called ‘Puke ‘Til You’re Sick’ and it was released by Catgut records in 1978. The track listing was as follows: Side A – 1/ Bad Balti 2/ You Make Me (Wanna Throw Up) 3/ Can’t Keep It Down 4/ Stomach Cramps 5/ Bleurgh! Side B – 1/ Born To Belch 2/ Spanish Tummy 3/ Let It Out 4/ Heave-Ho! 5/ Mahler’s First Symphony, Third Movement in D-minor. It’s a terrific record, though copies are quite hard to come by these days.

This is the most awesome question in the world as a/ I love ‘Masterchef’ b/ James IS really Greasy Ian and 3/ It just is. I didn’t let G.I. out of my books though, I’m not sure how he managed to escape. Sometimes my characters do that, you know. For instance, I quite often see Alan Taylor at my local cinema. They give him his own special little seat in the aisle so that no one will block his view. But it does mean he spends a lot of the film nearly getting stepped on when people nip out to go to the toilet.

Oh, you silly. Dogs don’t go to school, they’re just dogs! That’s exactly the type of question that a complete trouserface would ask.

It would probably be a dirty old overweight rabbit who’d eaten too much chocolate, leaning against the bag of sticks, clutching his aching head and occasionally making horrible groaning sounds.

I do indeed, Ben. My secret fact is that I am terrible at other languages. I love mucking about with the English language, making up strange new phrases and finding ways of saying things that haven’t been said before (and occasionally making up words of my own, as that little hufty-tangler Abigail found out earlier) – but I really am awful when it comes to learning foreign languages. I once went to Venice for a week with a friend. At the start of the week, neither I nor my friend could speak a single word of Italian. By the end of the week my pal was having simple conversations in Italian with everyone he met. And I had learnt one single word – ‘tramezzino’, which is the name of a type of particularly delicious sandwich they have out there. So that was OK when I wanted a tramezzino. I could just point at my mouth and say ‘tramezzino’. But it wasn’t particularly useful for anything else. I wish I were better at other languages, but they just seem to go in one ear and out the other with me. It’s a real shame, or as the French would put it – well, I, er, I don’t know how the French would put it, that’s my point.

She does get angry, Catherine. In Mr Gum and the Biscuit Billionaire she gets very angry at the servants who desert Alan Taylor once he’s lost his money. And she gets pretty angry at Mr Gum and Billy William in most of the books too. Plus she gets really sad in Mr Gum and the Cherry Tree when she can’t climb the horse chestnut tree. So you see, Polly’s not happy all the time. She has a whole range of emotions, just like any normal nine-year-old with a thirty-one-word-long name.

I like star shapes, Megan. I often draw stars in my books when I’m signing them. And as a lot of people who have had their book signed by me will know, the stars are often farting. So overall, I would say my favourite shape is not just any old star – but a farting star. Thanks for your questions, everyone! Have a happy spring-filled month; don’t eat too much chocolate; keep away from angry fairies; and learn your foreign languages or you’ll end up like me. See you all next time, you peculiar little skittles! ☺