March 2010

I’d like to be Martin Brody in ‘Jaws’. He’s the Police Chief and he’s really cool. Everyone else is just sort of saying, ‘Aww, who cares there’s a massive man-eating shark around? Let’s cover ourselves in herring guts and go swimming anyway’ – but Chief Brody is the only one with any sense. Plus he’s got a pretty wife into the bargain.

Hi, Leanan. Actually I do collect things. I collect all the other shoes your friend didn’t collect from each pair.

Smaller but with a bigger beard. I haven’t got a picture of me as a baby, but here you can see a picture of me when I was about two. Look at the cuteness!

Yes, why not ask what ‘If you were in a film which film would you be in and who would you be?’

Natalie, I’m afraid I’ve answered that question already. Better luck next time.

I’d probably dress up as Friday O’Leary, as I’ve got too much hair and I wear glasses. My brother would probably dress up as Monsieur Bellybutton, as he is fat, smelly and lives in France. Sorry, I haven’t got any spare beards, you’ll just have to make one yourself or shave a passing tramp.

I like it when Mr Gum and Billy call each other names, as in: ‘Come on, Billy me old slipper,’ or, ‘That’s right, Mr Gum, me old gobbler’. That makes me laugh.

By doing your cello practice.

Nah, it’s fun talking to all you crazy little nibbleheads. Just so long as you don’t get fed up reading my answers, I’m happy.

Pay a ginger-haired person twenty pence a day to walk by your side at all times. That way you can use them for comparative purposes.

Yes. And Alan Taylor has nightmares of being as poor as me.

Do you mean funny peculiar or funny ha-ha? In either case the answer is ‘yes’. What on earth is your cousin thinking?! Everyone knows she should actually call her kids ‘Birdmonster’ and ‘Pee-Wee Snootlebucks’.

They taste like a cool breeze on a summer’s evening. They taste like the best day you ever had. They taste like your first kiss. They taste like smiles and friendship and music. They taste like hope. But the green ones aren’t very nice, they taste a bit sour.

OK, OK, STOP SHOUTING!!! ‘Mr Gum and the Cherry Tree’ has Mr Gum in it. It also has a cherry tree in it. That is why it is called ‘Mr Gum and the Cherry Tree’. The cover’s very nice. I hope that answers your questions, Hew.

THE RUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) No, Ruth, the Spirit of the Rainbow always brushes his teeth twice a day. And he takes care to eat his fruit chews only as part of a healthy and balanced diet. Like the rest of him, his teeth are honest and good and true. THE TOOTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! (I’m going to stop doing that now.)

Well, it sort of means that I have dreams of living in a cool city where everyone’s really groovy and they play jazz in all the cafes and you can just sort of hang out painting and drinking tea all day and you get to walk in the rain a lot and think about interesting sad things and then one day you see a pretty girl riding a bike and you fall in love with her and you dream about her while you walk the rainy streets and one day you see a train pulling out of the station and she’s sitting on it, heading out of your life forever and you never even knew her name and you go into a café and order a black coffee and sit there listening to the jazz and sighing a lot and then you walk home late at night and somewhere a cat miaows and the sound is so beautiful it breaks your heart. That’s all. Seeya next time, hipsters!

Hi Josef. Try and carry a little sketchpad and a pen/pencil around with you, and draw anything that you like the look of on your travels. Always keep your sketchpads when they are full! Cheers. David