September 2010

I do, I will and I have! It’s called ‘Mr Gum and the Secret Hideout’. And here’s a thing – I think it’s got the best illustrations of any of the books so far. David has outdone himself this time. They’re fantastic and funny and spooky and exciting and everything. But I’m afraid the book won’t be out until November so you’ll just have to be patient, you astonishing rectangular elf.

Yes, in the new book there is a brand new character who is very surprising – but that is all I am going to say. Also, an old character from another book returns – but I’m not going to tell you who. Well, I mean, obviously Polly and Mr Gum and Billy and Alan Taylor and Friday return, you know. It is a ‘Mr Gum’ book after all. But I mean a character who’s only been in one other story so far will be back. And that is all I’m going to say, with a yippee-aye-oh and a yippee-ay-aye! Hmm, I seem to be in a rhyming mood today. I think from now on I’ll try to answer all the questions in rhyme, OK?

It would have turned his hands inside-out and his feet outside-in and his nose would have exploded and then dribbled down his chin. And his eyes would turn to pasta and his forehead turn to grass and his knees would be the future and his hair would be the past. And his elbows would cry ‘Mother!’ and his neck would cry out ‘Dad!’ – or maybe not, I don’t know if it would have been that bad. But I’m glad it didn’t happen, for it would have been obscene, if J. Ripples had got Ripple-ized inside that bad machine. FIN.

Friday is not Irish, though his last name is O’Leary. It’s true, he’s English, actually. ‘Oh, really?’ Yes. Oh, really.

Some people think that Polly’s voice should sound just like a farmer. Though I think she should speak more like a cockney. But it’s OK, whichever way you do it, it won’t harm ‘er. A famous artist’s name is David Hockney. OK, that was useless, I’ve had enough of rhyming now.

Zac, you should definitely read everything by Roald Dahl that you can get your hands on. And you should read Betsy Byars – especially ‘The Eighteenth Emergency’, which I always say is my favourite kids’ book ever. It’s funny and sad all at once. If you like really long books which will take you ages to read but which are totally worth it, you should check out the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud, which is super-funny and very exciting and wizard-y. The first book is called ‘The Amulet of Samarkand’. Hmm, what else? You know, I don’t know that many good funny books. Some of my other favourite books would be the Narnia series by C.S. Lewis, ‘The Children of Green Knowe’ by Lucy M. Boston (which is very spooky) and ‘Stig of the Dump’ by Clive King. All of those books are just brilliant, in different ways. Hope that helps!

I had a science teacher called Mr Chasko who was an absolute horror. He was EASILY the worst teacher I’ve ever had. But he was also the best, because I used to have so much fun making him angry. He was one of those people who gets irritated by any sort of silliness, so you can imagine how I would annoy him. He got so annoyed that one day he said to me, ‘Stanton, I was driving to school this morning and I saw you on the street. I thought about running you over – but it wasn’t raining, so I didn’t think I could make it look like I’d accidentally skidded off the road. So that’s why I didn’t run you over.’ And I think he really meant it. Another time he got so annoyed at my pal that he said, ‘Woodward! I really want to punch you in the face. I’d lose my job but I think it would be worth it.’ And you could see he really wanted to do it – his arm was trembling because he was trying so hard not to actually punch my friend. Our lessons with Mr Chasko were legendary because they were so out of control. Sometimes the whole class would gang up on him and get him into a terrible fury. Once we had him practically tearing his hair out. We were all shouting out nonsense and throwing screwed-up paper balls at him, and me and my friends kept jumping out of the window, running around the building and coming in through the door again. He couldn’t handle us at all. Ah, fond memories, Salty. But of course, you should never behave like that. Well, maybe just a tiny bit. And only with Mr Chasko, because he deserved it.

It’s terrifying! Any one of them could actually be MR CHASKO IN DISGUISE, ready to run me over once and for all! But you know, apart from that, it’s very nice. All you crazy little strawberries who want to meet me! It’s fun. No one ever wanted to meet me before, not even my reflection. When I looked in the mirror my reflection wouldn’t even bother to turn up. For years I thought I was a vampire, but no – I just wasn’t very popular with my reflection. But now I’m a famous book author writer guy who writes books by being an author, my reflection always turns up in the mirror, trying to borrow money off me. When I lend my reflection a fiver it always buys the exact opposite of the things I like. It’s very peculiar. What are we talking about again? Oh yeah. So, anyway. It’s nice to have fans.

Hello Mr Whitbread, you atrocious clarinet. You will be happy to know that ‘Mr Gum and the Biscuit Billionaire’ will be out on CD in October or so. And I am doing all the voices, some of them quite badly. And ‘The Robber’s Song’ will certainly make you wet yourself, not just with laughter but with monstrous fear. Look out, Britain. October’s gonna be a very wet month…

I am a Concerned Citizen too. I am concerned about you.

Bec, I can see your question is terribly urgent. Have you by any chance been trapped on a desert island for weeks and weeks with only Alan Taylor and some of Billy William the Third’s stinky, mouldy entrails? And are you dying of hunger? I expect you are, seeing as you didn’t email your question in like everyone else, but instead sent it as a message in a bottle, which washed up on the sun-blessed shores of Egmont Books. Well, Bec, I can’t tell you what to do. You must deal with the situation yourself in the way that you think is best. Good luck! It’s a shame you can’t read my answer, as you haven’t got a computer on your island but that’s life. Serves you right for setting out for sea in the first place, you should have stayed indoors and watched dull TV quiz shows all day long like everyone else.

Hi Spenser! I’m really sorry you can’t get those books in your local store, how rubbish is that? Very rubbish! I don’t know exactly why it should be this way, have you tried hassling the book store until they’re sick of you? That sometimes works. Hey, I’ll tell you what. If you send us another email telling us your address we’ll send you those books for free! BONUS! But hey, listen everyone else. That’s only for Spenser, because he has the misfortune to live in Canada, which is a tiny country with only one bookstore and only half a sun. And everyone there is covered in grapes and no one knows why. And hey, anyone else from Canada who’s reading this, forget it. It’s a one-time special offer for Spenser only, because I’m in a good mood. Next!

No.

Awwww, Annabelle and Annabelle’s mum. That is very sweet. But don’t worry, she does get it back. When Mr Gum and Billy run off at the end of that scene they leave the letter behind and Old Granny picks it up and she reads it every night before she goes to sleep, and it always makes her feel better. (Except sometimes when she’s really drunk she accidentally reads the ingredients of a tin of cat food instead. But she’s so drunk she still thinks it’s the letter so it cheers her up anyway.)

No way, Chloe-say! I’m 36 and I still read them. Well, that’s it for this month, folks. Thanks for all your questions and remember: THE TRUTH IS A – um, I forget how the rest of that goes. Never mind. See you next time, you crazers!