February 2012

I'd dye it exactly the same colour that it naturally is, just for the pointlessness of the exercise.

I'm no good at karaoke, Lozza. The thing is, I always think I'm going to be brilliant and do it just like a proper rock star, and then I get up there and start going for it, and it just instantly goes wrong and I end up doing it in a sort of half-serious, half-comedy way, and everyone seems to be laughing, but not really in the way I want, and in fact some of them seem to be horrified. Having said that, I'd say my biggest success was with 'Billie Jean' by Michael Jackson, in a pub in Clerkenwell in London a couple of years ago. It was still appalling, just slightly less appalling than usual. As for your second question, I can't listen to music when I'm writing, it really distracts me. Apart from anything else, I need to hear the rhythm of the words I'm writing on the page, so having music on at the same time is a disaster. I usually save the music for short breaks between writing. Sometimes, if I've just written a really good bit, I'll stop writing and put on a big happy song and dance round the room for about twenty minutes listening to it over and over before I get back to the writing again. One of my favourite songs for that is 'Ocean Man' by Ween, it's really fun. I think it was on the 'Spongebob Squarepants' movie soundtrack too, so there you go, it must be fun.

Oh no! A ZOMBIE BOOK! Do you mean a book that died but somehow came to life again? And when you're in the library, it crawls out from the shadows and starts lurching towards you, mumbling 'reeeeead meeeeee..... reeeaaaaad meeeeee.....'? Or do you mean a 'Mr Gum' book about zombies? Because I think that's a great idea, I will think about it. And you know how sometimes when people say they'll think about it and they don't? Well, Drummond, I'm not even lying, I'll definitely think about it because I love zombie films and zombie stories, even though they scare me silly. Good suggestion!

Because there were some pomegranate seeds on him.

Yes! The first Ghostbusters film came out when I was about thirteen, and it was a really big deal. I went to see it at the cinema and it was fantastic and hilarious (as you probably know). The world went crazy for it, Connor! And then I was in a bookshop a couple of weeks later and I found the 'novelisation' of the film, which means they got some writer to turn the movie into a book. And so I bought the book and it was excellent, especially because the author had decided to make his job more fun by writing the entire novel in the present tense. Which means that instead of saying 'Dr Peter Venkman walked into the New York City Library and looked around', it would say 'Dr Peter Venkman walks into the New York City Library and looks around.' Do you see the difference? And like I say, the whole book was written in the present tense. I'd never seen a story told like that before, it was really interesting and gave the story a very special feel. So look, Connor, you asked a question about a blockbuster movie and I ended up talking about books. And do you know why? Because movies are great and all that and things blow up in them - but books are TERRIFIC and can blow your mind in ways that movies never can. So once you've stopped reading this, get back out there and get reading more books! And see if you can find a story told in the present tense, because it's a really cool effect. Deal? Deal! GOOD!

Yes, he is definitely a human. It's just that he happens to be a human who thinks he's a chaffinch. He also thinks he can't talk and that he can only chirp like a chaffinch. You see, Tanya, Crazy Barry Fungus is crazy. The clue is in his name.

W*ll, it's ch*ating, r*ally, isn't it? But it is d*finit*ly much *asi*r than actually trying to writ* *ntir* s*nt*nc*s and paragraphs without using th* l*tter '*', so full marks for ing*nuity, Samu*l! You win this month's top priz* - a l*af. Your priz* will b* waiting for you in your local park. W*ll don*, I hop* you *njoy sticking it up your nos* or *ating it or what*v*r young p*opl* do with l*av*s th*s* days.

You mean the 'Biscuit Billionaire', don't you? And you mean 'tungler', don't you? Yes, you do. Well, a tungler is a bit like a tingler, a little like a tangler, nothing at all like a tongler and as for a tengler - well, there's no such thing as a tengler, everybody knows that. I hope that clears things up, Mrs Morris, I really do.

The Simpsons, but mainly Seasons 1 to 8, because after that they're not as good (but I still like a lot of things about them). Comedy-wise, I also like Arrested Development; Scrubs; Modern Family; Peep Show; Turkey on the Job; Goooooooooooobles!; Sniffy Henderson Eats The Rabbit; Bleat It Up, Lieutenant Chortle! and Those Last Five Titles Were Made Up. When it comes to non-comedy, I'm afraid to say I'm still a little bit addicted to Deal Or No Deal. I also like Masterchef; Fasterchef (which is just like Masterchef but the chefs only have three seconds to cook each meal and the whole show is over in a minute and forty five seconds) and lots of really good American dramas like Breaking Bad and The Wire.

Um, yes

As if I'd admit to something like that on the internet!

Yes. I got kicked out of Oxford University because I killed a man. And I don't mind admitting to that on the internet.

Boaz, my friend, I didn't 'make' Friday O'Leary do anything! You seem to think I'm responsible for my characters' actions in some way, when in actual fact they pretty much do what they like. Now, it is true that I invented Friday O'Leary, I'll grant you that. And the same goes for Mrs Lovely. But I had no idea when they came tapping their way out of my typing fingers, I had no idea that Friday would fall in love with Mrs Lovely and ask her to marry him; or that she would accept. So stop blaming me for everything around here please! It's not my fault! And also, why are you so upset about it? Did you want to marry Mrs Lovely yourself? Did you? DID YOU? Well, there you go, Boaz, you can't win them all. And you can't always get the girl you want. Life is hard, my friend. I mean, just look at me, I'm 38 years old and I have to spend my Friday nights sitting at home answering questions like 'what do you call a fat elephant?' What a way to make a living...

Um... a bellyphant? An ele-fat? 'Norman the fat elephant'? That's all I can think of, did I win?

Pamela, Pamela, Pamela and Pamela are vegetarians; but Pamela, Pamela and Pamela eat meat. As for the others, Pamela and Pamela are vegans; and Pamela is actually a cannibal. So you see, Dylan, you can't lump all the Pamelas into one category - they each have their own habits, individualities and toothbrushes (actually not all the Pamelas do have their own toothbrushes, Pamela and Pamela share a toothbrush. Sorry.) And as for the other Pamela who doesn't count as one of the Pamelas because none of them like her - she eats nothing but paperclips, hazelnuts and shipwrecks.

Well now, everyone, let me introduce you to the Tobster, who just happens to be my utterly brilliant godson in New Zealand. Hi, Toby! I'M TYPING ALL THE WAY FROM ENGLAND, SO I HOPE YOU CAN HEAR ME! Now, as to your question, there is the theory of the mobius, a twist in the fabric of space, where Time becomes a loop... Click here to find out what I'm going on about. Yes, Time is a very strange thing indeed and as to what it all means, I don't really know, it's far too scientific for me, but perhaps that explains how Polly can stay nine years old for so long. Hope that helps, Toby, and if not we'll have a long philosophical discussion about it over the phone some time. ☺ And talking of Time, that's all we've got time for this month, folks. See you in February, and remember - if we can just make it through February it'll practically be spring and the world will be nice again! Bye for now, everyone! Byeeeeeeee!