August 2010

Hi Ben! I don’t know if you’re the youngest reader of my books but you could very well be, you exceptional goat. Can anyone out there beat Ben for being the youngest ‘Mr Gum’ fan? Email in with your boasts!

No, they are different Tom Ralis-es. And besides, everyone is called ‘Tom Ralis’ if you think about it long enough.

I don’t know – and I wouldn’t want to get close enough to find out. But I’ve asked some of the townsfolk of Lamonic Bibber and here’s what they had to say on the subject. Old Granny: ‘What? I can’t hear you.’ Martin Launderette: ‘Leave me alone, I’m hiding from Jonathan Ripples.’ Friday O’Leary: ‘I like cutting out a photo of a cat’s head and holding it against the TV so it looks like a cat’s reading the news.’ Hope that helps, Hollie!

Cry like a little baby.

Sometimes it does, Ella. But I carry on writing anyway and do you want to know why? Because – oh, sorry, I’ll have to tell you some other time, my hand hurts.

Hi Thomas. I’ve a friend called Marcus Coolymccoolmccantgetanycooler, you’re not related to him, are you? I shouldn’t expect so as it’s quite a common surname – but you never know. In answer to your question, I think all of your ideas are as mad as a skyscraper filled with cereal (that’s a good thing, by the way). I suggest that you choose one of them and try writing it. If you get stuck or don’t think it’s any good – CARRY ON ANYWAY. If you really think it’s not working out, try one of the other ideas. You see, I don’t think there are any really bad ideas out there. Well, OK, maybe a few. But in general all you need to start writing a story is one idea. That’s how I wrote the first ‘Mr Gum’ book. All I had was the idea of an old man having a fight with a big dog. And it wasn’t until I sat down and started writing it that all the other characters came in and the story started really happening. So there you go. Just write. Write. Write. Write. Write. WRITE. And if it really doesn’t work out, write something else. But don’t throw any of your stuff away – you might come back to it one day and see a new way to make it work. Good luck, you infectious belt!

Well, I have already written a non-MG book called ‘The Story of Matthew Buzzington’, all about a boy who thinks he can turn into a fly. And I’ve written a picture book that’s coming out next year. And I’ve just finished another story called ‘Sterling and the Canary’, but I’m waiting to hear back from the publisher to see if they like it or not. So in answer to your question – no, I mean yes.

Dear Steeeve, I suggest you change career. You are obviously far too irresponsible to be let loose on anyone, especially children. You have too many ‘e’s in your name and I should imagine your leg smells like glue. Also I might be wrong but I get the impression you are the kind of person who enjoys staring at snails for hours on end. In conclusion: You are quite literally a leaf and I shall thank you not to trouble me with your horrendous pasta in the future.

When I’m bored I tend to watch way too much bad TV, like ‘Deal Or No Deal’ and other nonsense like that. It doesn’t help and it’s no good for my brain so eventually I try to figure out something better to do instead like practising my electric guitar or going for a walk or seeing a friend. Or maybe, just maybe, coming up with an idea for another book to entertain all you delightful little nibbleheads. Actually I was bored the other day so I went to see ‘Toy Story 3’, which is quite amazingly good. And when I came out of the cinema guess what happened? I SAW ALL THESE TOYS WALKING AROUND, JUST LIKE IN THE FILM! No, not really. But I wasn’t so bored any more, I was full of ideas for new stories.

I suggest that if your mum can’t do the voices properly then she should read you some other books instead. How about ‘The Enormous Never-Ending Book of Algebra’ or ‘A Very Long Detailed History of Planks’ or the instruction manual from an electric toaster? I’m sure you’ll enjoy them greatly!

I don’t think I’d like to live in Lamonic Bibber, they’re all too crazy for me there. But I like to visit from time to time. PS – Hi Jess!

NEXT!

To be honest, I don’t even think they’re suitable for children. They are basically unacceptable.

He should ask me: ‘I think you must be obsessed with lemon meringues and gingerbread biscuits because there's lots about them in Mr Gum! Is that what you eat when you're writing the books?’ and my answer would be: ‘Yes’.

Polka dot. Mmm, abstract!

I suggest that you put some cat food on your windowsill. This will tempt in a cat, who will get rid of the pigeon in his own special way. Then, of course, you’ll need to get rid of the cat and there is no better way to do this than by putting a nice tempting bone on your windowsill. BINGO! In pops Mr Dog and your cat problems are over. But then, what to do with the dog? Well, you will need to put some angry bull-snacks on your windowsill and soon enough… Why, it’s a big angry bull who will sort out that dog in no time flat! But now you’ve got to get rid of him too. And by placing a single delicious peanut on your windowsill… AHA! Here comes an elephant to kick that menacing bull right out! Now, as everyone knows, elephants are absolutely terrified of… mice. So leave out a tasty piece of cheese and in comes a little white mouse who frightens ol’ trunk-face off. So now you’ll have a mouse on the loose – but don’t worry, Becs, the answer is simple. Put a piece of bread on your windowsill and a pigeon will fly straight in to get rid of the mouse. Problem solved! I didn't have any nicknames at school, mostly just andynames. And no, I was definitely NOT a geek. In fact, I don't even like hummus.

No, I’m a full-time writer, which doesn’t mean that I write all the time, it means that I waste a lot of time watching ‘Deal Or No Deal’ and occasionally manage to get down to writing stories now and again. Actually, being a writer keeps me really busy because apart from the actual writing bit I talk at book festivals and schools quite a lot, and also sometimes I have to go on radio shows or do interviews or… well, all sorts of things really. Sometimes I get to go to exciting parties with other authors and eat little sausages for free, which is a bonus. And sometimes I don’t, which isn’t. But generally it’s a good life and I wouldn’t change it for anything, except maybe being a hill.

I don’t think I’ve used anything that’s happened to me directly. It’s more like I try to remember how things feel and use that. For example, whenever Polly’s really annoyed at things and goes off on one of her long rants I try to remember what it was like to be a kid and to feel that everything was totally unfair. Actually, I don’t have to try that hard because even when you’re an adult, things are often totally unfair. It’s totally unfair. Actually, there is one thing that I’ve put in from real life. I’ve already mentioned this story I’ve just finished called ‘Sterling and the Canary’. In that, two of the characters play a chase game called ‘Marshy and Greedy Pig’, which is actually a game I invented with my brother when we were younger. Marshy and Greedy Pig is totally excellent. One of you is Marshy and the other one is Greedy Pig. Greedy Pig basically chases Marshy around the room (round and round a big table is best) and as he chases, he sings the words ‘Greedy, Greedy, Greedy, Greedy, Greedy Pig! Greedy, Greedy, Greedy Pig!’ over and over again. And then, just when he’s about to catch Marshy, Marshy shouts ‘Marshy in the dark! Marshy in the dark!’ Then you have to turn off the lights and the chase continues in the dark, which is hilarious. Also, Marshy can shout ‘Marshy on all fours! Marshy on all fours!’ and then the chase has to continue with both players crawling around on all fours. Sometimes you can be in the dark AND on all fours at the same time. To restore things Marshy can shout out ‘Marshy in the light! Marshy in the light!’ and ‘Marshy on two legs! Marshy on two legs!’ So you see, Greedy Pig causes all the trouble – but little Marshy is in control of things with his special commands. (By the way, if you want to try playing it, remember that Greedy Pig always has to sing his song, no matter if it’s dark or light or if you’re on two legs or all fours. IT’S THE RULES.) Anyway, I did use Marshy and Greedy Pig in ‘Sterling and the Canary’ and if it ever gets published you’ll know that bit’s taken from real life. Whatever ‘real life’ might be.

Well, I’m not so famous that people recognise me much. I’ve only been recognised twice. Once I was at a Prince concert and this guy came up to me – but he’d seen me speaking at a book festival the year before, so it didn’t really count. The other time was quite exciting. This guy came up to me at a tube station and said ‘Are you Andy Stanton?’ and he shook my hand and he told me he loved my books. Which was a bit weird because he was about 35 years old. But it made me feel pretty good anyway. So as yet, I’ve no need for a disguise. But if I get really famous I think I will disguise myself as dust.

No.