December 2011

Are you quite sure Mr Gum died, Isobel? I’m not sure he did, you know. Take another look at the Epilogue in Book 8...

Yes, I’m terrible! But I love trying. I’ve got a beautiful USA Deluxe Fender Telecaster, you can see a picture of it here. Oh, how I love that guitar! It’s just a shame I can’t make it sound as beautiful as it looks, Megan, really it is. The other day when I was playing my guitar, it actually started crying. ‘Stop playing me!’ it cried. ‘You’re awful!’ ‘NEVER!’ I declared, as I wrestled another desperately screechy note out of the thing. ‘I love you, guitar!’ ‘Then why do you wanna treat me so bad?’ my guitar gently wept. ‘For that is the way of my passion,’ I said as I strangled the neck ever tighter, producing ever more abysmal notes and frightening the nearby wildlife. ‘I love you – but now I must kill you!’

Using all these marvellous letters: a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, j, k, l, m, n, o, p, q, r, s, t, u, v, w, x, y and – yes! - sometimes even the z. Now here’s an amazing fact: someone (some French guy, I think) once wrote a book – a whole book – without using the letter ‘e’. Can you imagine that? Why don’t you try to write a few sentences without using the letter ‘e’? It’s really hard! You can’t use words like ‘elephant’ or ‘egg’ or even the word ‘even’. And you certainly couldn’t call a character ‘Elliot Austen’. So as an experiment, I’m going to answer the next ‘Ask Andy’ question WITHOUT USING THE LETTER E! Amazing! Astounding! Here goes...

That is not hard to clarify, Milo and pal. Put simply, this particular day is my birthday. Also sharing this birthday is our monarch’s son, you know which son I am talking of? It is that son with big lugs who is always rattling on about buildings, plants and organic food. Also, this particular day which you claim disgusts you is not always on a Monday. It can fall on a Thursday, a Friday, a Saturday, a Sunday – or in fact any day at all, according to which annual rotation is transpiring. [PS – If you want to know why I am writing so oddly and using such awkward phrasing, it is simply that I am composing this communication to you without using a particularly common building block of our written lingo. Look at what I told that kid in my prior communication if you still don’t know what I’m going on about.]

Well, I’m answering this a bit late as Halloween’s just gone. But what a time we had! I went as Mr Gum, Mr Gum went as Billy William, Billy William went as Polly, Polly went as Friday, Friday went as Alan Taylor and Alan Taylor went to the toilet in the bushes when nobody was looking. Splendid times, Ashley, splendid times indeed!

Because you can do what you like when you write. It is useful to learn certain rules for writing, and perhaps your teacher’s rule is quite sensible for now because it is really easy (and can be quite lazy) to start sentences with the word ‘and’. But rules are there to be broken and once you’re good at writing sentences in all sorts of different ways, I think it is fine to occasionally start sentences with the word ‘and’. And that’s the truth.

You might not be so keen to invite me round for dinner if you’d actually read my books, Rob.

Yes, I remember writing that because your surname is so magnificent and elegant. My favourite time of year is probably autumn cos it’s all cosy and you’ve got your Halloween and you’ve got your Bonfire Night and in Lamonic Bibber you’ve got your Festival of the Leaves and one year Alan Taylor was crowned the King of Autumn and he was paraded round the town for all to see. But you probably knew that already, didn’t you, Chloe? Because you’ve probably actually read my books, haven’t you? Unlike a certain adult male we shan’t mention here, Rob Short.

Hi, Ali. If you tell me whether you are the famous and lovely Ali Sparkes who writes children’s books, I’ll tell you if I really made up that rap right there and then on BBC Breakfast. Deal?

I do know that Jake used to fancy a poodle named Vicky, but unfortunately I don’t think it ever came to anything. So for the time being, Jake the dog is still a magnificently single beast. If anyone has a girl dog they think should be Jake’s girlfriend, perhaps they can send in a photo and tell us why their pet would make the perfect companion for Lamonic Bibber’s furriest hero. And who knows, the best entries might even win a prize, if we can be bothered.

We’re not best mates but we’re good pals. We talk on the phone quite a lot, often about things to do with ‘Mr Gum’, but also just about things in general – about our favourite TV shows, films, music, who had the longest toenails in history, how come the sky and the sea don’t sometimes accidentally swap places; that sort of thing. David is a lovely man and I am proud to know him. And also he is a Transformer. If you press a button above his right ankle he transforms into a jet plane. Absolutely true.

Yes.

‘Cheese Leaving Home’, made by Lennon and McCartney Dairies of Liverpool. Also camembert. What’s with all these pigs writing in lately, by the way?

Hello, Jack! How’s your back? Haven’t seen you for ‘ears and ‘ears! Er, sorry about that, force of habit... Now, you ask a very good question. Basically, Polly has a lot of excellent qualities. She is very moral and ethical, which means she always knows right from wrong and tries to act accordingly. She is brave, honest and loyal to her friends, and she is compassionate, always willing to help out those in need. Oh, and she’s extremely opinionated and when she’s made her mind up about something, watch out cos she’s determined to get her way and fight for what’s right. She’s also adventurous, giggly, optimistic (most of the time) and on top of all that, she’s got really cool trainers. I don’t know if that counts as a quality, but it certainly counts as quality footwear. Hope that helps!

Cloop! Yimmo! Oyster butler! Snorbella! Snorbella! Don’t worry, victoria c - now everyone’s just as confused as you are.

I love this question but I can’t lie, it wouldn’t be Lawfull. I have never held power crystals, I wish I had but I haven’t.

LAMB (like a baby sheep) – ON (like the word ‘on’) – ICK (like you’d say when something’s yucky) – BIB (like something a baby wears) – ER (like when you hesitate in speech). Now put it all together and you’re off!

You’re very welcome. And your message has inspired me to wipe baby sick into my hair and start wearing a dress. Good luck with the writing, Ann! (Tip: Don’t try to write a book without using the letter ‘e’, it’s really, really difficult.) And on that note, I think that’s about it for this month, my friends. Thank you for all your brilliant questions and sorry to everyone who wrote in but who didn’t get an answer this time. Now, I must rush, I’m off to Spain for a quick holiday and David Tazzyman’s agreed to press that button on his ankle and fly me over himself. I can hear him landing in my back garden now... So long, everyone! And HAPPY HOLIDAYS! See you in 2012 – the Chinese Year of the Earthworm! Byeeeeeeeee!