February 2009

Dear a pig, I am not married. I love your mum 2.

With my phenomenal brain. Also my phenomenal dictionary, my phenomenal thesaurus and my phenomenal too much coffee and chocolate late at night.

Yes, it’s very funty! My favourite bit is when Sir Lancelot is running at the castle. You see him miles away, then the camera cuts to something else. Then you see him miles away again, then it cuts to something else. Then you see him miles away again, then it cuts to something else again. Then suddenly he’s RIGHT THERE AT THE CASTLE, ATTACKING PEOPLE!!! It is incredibly funty, although it’s better to actually watch it than hear it described.

Of course not! What do you think, I check my emails while I’m flying?! Don’t be ridiculous, that would be incredibly dangerous. I could crash into an aeroplane or another flying children’s author. Anyway, thanks for your question but I really must fly! Byeee!

Hi Aida. I think I know whom you’re talking about. You mean Jennifer the pretty doctor, right? Well, that’s who I think you mean. Anyway, thank you for your very kind email. I’ve never been to Libya but I’m glad my books have. All the beast, I mean best – Andy :)

Friday has lots of different obsessions, Michael. At various times he has been obsessed with omelettes, leprechauns, American football, paperclips, acorns, the Houses of Parliament, string, wasabi, organic shoes, people called ‘Harold’, sunflowers, antique playing cards, things that float, jalapeño chillies, cat hair, xylophones, brupple-brupple machines, the planet Neptune, wafers, artichokes, the ears of monkeys, New South Wales, sperm whales, ‘The Outlaw Josey Wales’, barbeques, barber queues, curlicues, snooker cues, P’s and Q’s, Q-Tips, ‘Monster Munch’, fried trousers, electronic horse-mufflers, propane, the Angel of the North, mouthwash, Persian rugs, cartoon octopuses, honey, plastic legs, springs, North Alaska, South Alaska, baked Alaska, ‘The Jungle Book’, kryptonite, citrus fruits, pretzels, cocoa beans, bristles, thistles, factory whistles, easels, weasels, teasels, Big Jilm, hoops, kazoos, Philip Ardagh, reality TV, surreality TV, one-armed 15th Century violinists, halvah, Mahjong, those little stickers you get on fruit, stamp collecting, flea circuses, flea markets, flea collars, flea Tibet, bedknobs, broomsticks, ‘Bedknobs and Broomsticks’, Carcharodon megaladon, hazelnuts, teaspoons, commas, briefcases, mirrors, Chinese restaurants, electronic buzzers, traffic lights, medieval jesters’ hats, sun tan cream and olives (not the green ones, just the black ones). But his biggest obsession of all is Mrs Lovely.

Yes! And have you tried new LOW FAT potato ‘n’ donkey yum-yums? All the taste of regular potato ‘n’ donkey yum-yums but only half the fat! New LOW FAT potato ‘n’ donkey yum-yums – they’re DONKEYLOWFAT-ARIFIC!

Hang on, I’ll find out. [MUNCHING NOISES FOR NEXT TWENTY MINUTES] Right, there we go. The answer is sixteen. Right, I’m off out now, I’m going to the local fair.

Is that the one about the squirrels and things? I’ve never read it but the covers look nice. Maybe I’ll read it one day. (You don’t secretly work for Redwall do you? Are you trying to sneak Redwall advertising into the Mr Gum site?! In fact, are you actually a squirrel yourself? OUTRAGEOUS BEHVAIOUR!!)

Dear Hannah

I would be delighted to share with you and your son the following lessons I have learned from life:

• If you get lost in the forest don’t go knocking on the doors of houses made of sweets, no matter how delicious they might look. It’s always witch business inside.
• If you see a lion with a thorn in his paw be sure to bash him up with a stick while he’s vulnerable so that he can’t get you later.
• It is impossible to live in a photocopier for more than a week.
• Always carry a big bag of fried onions around in your pocket in case you meet somebody who wants some fried onions.
• And finally, whatever else you do, NEVER eat sixteen cheese and ham sandwiches in one go and then go on the ‘Funnity Fun Fun Big Bouncy Castle of Fun’ at the local fair.