February 2010

No! OK, yes.

Smaller. But he still had a big red beard.

What do you mean it’s like they were written for you, Eva? Of COURSE they were written for you! You crazy fishtail. The best thing that’s ever happened to me is flying over the fields with some bees, but that was just a dream. The best thing that’s ever happened to me while I was awake was finding a five pound note on a garden wall. TRUE.

Zoe, your question filled me with horror and rice. Your mum is obviously only pestering you to do your piano practice because you are not doing your piano practice. So do your piano practice or I’LL pester you too. You see, it is simple: music is the best, and if you practice you can make up extraordinary songs when you’re older and go on TV like Lady Gaga, and jump out of a cake playing a tuba or whatever it is she’s up to now.

He definitely probably might be.

I would choose to be stung on your nose, Matthew. Also, are you the same as Matthew, age 8? Because if you are, you just turned 9 really quickly.

Well, Joe, it is time for congratulations, because you’ve finally managed it! Yes, after all this time, you’ve got a question onto the ‘Mr Gum’ website! Well done, you spectacular orange! And now for the famous song, ‘Joe Whittaker, The Hero Of It All’. Take it away! Joe Whittaker, Joe Whittaker, he’s the hero of it all! He’s covered in mustard and he’s ten feet tall, he’s the hero of it all! He got his questions on here, cos he’s the hero of it all! He’s made of eggs and he’s got nine legs, he’s the hero of it all! Joe Whittaker, Joe Whittaker, he’s the hero of it – OK, that’s enough of that. In answer to your actual question: I don’t know. Perhaps we’ll find out in another book. Ooooooh.

I can raise them both at the same time. I can raise one separately. I can raise the other one separately. I can shave them both off and send them to Lady Gaga in an envelope. So that is four. I can’t stop crying now because I’ve got no eyebrows. Boohoo. Boohoo.

It is impossible to say, Caitlin. You see, I wrote Mr Gum and the Cherry Tree with my eyes shut so I don’t know what happens in it. But I’m looking forward to reading it just as much as you!

Harry, you crafty little toffee apple! You are on the right track.

No! Now get back inside my books and stop bothering me! You naughty little character, you!

As brave as a magnet in a treehouse? Or how about as brave as a shelf doing press-ups? Or as brave as a lorry. Or as brave as ten men who aren’t very brave on their own but when you put them together like that it all adds up and they’re quite brave in total.

About a week to come up with the right idea and plan it out, Rebecca. And my family doesn’t usually give me inspiration, but they’re quite good at listening when I phone up and moan about how I can’t think of anything to write.

Martha, I’m afraid you don’t understand how time works because you’re only 6.

Sometimes I didn’t do mine either. It is awful but true. Sometimes I used to copy off the other kids. I know, it is no example to set but there it is. Sorry, everyone.

I don’t think you can, A person called Michael Bartholomew and his dad, Tony Bartholomew. Why not try taping the sounds onto your computer and then turning them into mp3s or something? Alternatively, why not try journeying to Goblin Mountain (just outside Lamonic Bibber) and hunting for the Horn of Q’Zaal Q’Zaal, which is probably lying around in a cave somewhere? Good luck, and if you do go up there, watch out for the witch!

Hello, 5KJ! Thank you for your kind words. I like Bernard the angel very much, she reminds me of my good friend Bernard, who is also an angel but throws the discus, not the javelin. As far as Mr Gum is concerned I just wanted a nasty old villain to kick-start my plot and make something exciting happen and – YUFF! – up popped Mr Gum. He’s not based on anyone I know.

Nah, you’re still just a kid. Go nuts!

Dear Claire, I’m afraid I cannot help you. I did not ask you to have children and I certainly did not ask you to provide them with tummies and the capacity for laughter, or to buy them beds so they could roll around on them and not go to sleep and so on. I’m afraid this entire situation is of your own making and it is time you faced up to your responsibilities as a parent and stopped trying to blame everyone around you, like me for instance, a harmless young otter who has never wanted anything other than a peaceful life swimming downstream and relaxing on the river banks with a magazine and a jar of good Russian herring.

Writing some nonsense about being an otter. And now I’m off to make a sandwich. Bye, everyone!