February 2011

Well, Isabel, I’ve always done Alan Taylor with a high and squeaky voice, I think it’s funnier that way. And on the audio book of ‘Mr Gum and the Biscuit Billionaire’, not only did I do him high and squeaky but I gave him a sort of Newcastle accent too. But it’s still nice of your Daddy and Nana to read you the stories in the first place, isn’t it? Even if they are UNBELIEVABLY RUBBISH AT DOING ALAN TAYLOR’S VOICE PROPERLY.

Hi Bailey (and Ben). I decided to pick out my favourite joke from each book. Ready? Book 1: She ran past a cat’s ears which were lying on the pavement and a cat’s nose and whiskers which were lying on the pavement and a cat’s body and tail and legs and eyes and claws which were lying on the paveme – in fact it was all just one cat, lying on the pavement. Book 2: Then she tried to curtsey but she didn’t know how, so she just wiggled her arms around and shouted ‘CURTSEY!’ and hoped that would do. Book 3: ‘Why, only last week an evil skeleton came in and did a poo on the carpet.’ Book 4: ‘The King was a skinny old hunchback with no teeth, the Queen was an ant, and there was nothing to eat in the entire kingdom except for one enormous apple surrounded by the royal guards. I tell you, the Olden Days were a total waste of time.’ Book 5: The list of books about animals in Alan Taylor’s study, which are titled: ‘ANIMALS A – G’, ‘ANIMALS H – L’, ‘ANIMALS M – Q’, ‘ANIMALS R- Y’ and ‘ZEBRAS’. Book 6: ‘I see,’ said Thora, smiling wider than they’d ever seen her smile before, which wasn’t that amazing as they’d only known her for about ten minutes. Book 7: ‘No, there never were any unicorns,’ said the lad. ‘That was just a myth that started when an ice-cream cone accidentally got stuck to a pony’s head.’ Book 8: Billy lit a match by just looking at a match and hoping it would somehow light. There you go. I particularly like the last one (from Book 8) because it’s so pointless and stupid, but my favourite one of all is the cat one from Book 1.

What was really hard was actually writing a book in the first place. Because I’m not very good at finishing things, it took me about thirty two years of my life to actually bother to sit down and write a story from start to finish. Once I’d done that, I forgot about the story I’d written for another two years. Until eventually I found it sitting in a drawer one day and decided to try and get it published. That story was, of course, ‘Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Sto– I mean, ‘You’re A Bad Man, Mr Gum!’ and once I’d decided to send it off, it all happened very quickly. Within about two months, Egmont Books told me they wanted to publish the book and turn it into a whole series! So in one way it wasn’t hard for me to get the books published. But in another way, I was extremely lucky because I sent the book to about eight other publishers and they all turned it down. So if it hadn’t been for Egmont I wouldn’t be answering this question because I wouldn’t have published any books at all. And you wouldn’t have even asked this question because you’d have never heard of me. And I wouldn’t have even been born because – well, actually I probably still would have been born, sorry, I got confused there for a second.

Well, Dechen, actually he has a brass hand, not an iron one. And it says in ‘What’s For Dinner, Mr Gum?’ that he got it after a terrible accident involving a chainsaw, some superglue and a brass hand. So I imagine he probably accidentally cut off his hand with a chainsaw and then accidentally stuck his arm into some superglue and then accidentally stuck the gluey arm onto a brass hand. And that’s how things can sometimes happen in Lamonic Bibber. As for why he did a poo in the cooking pot I simply don’t know, it’s horrible, to be honest.

Hi Minette and the fan club you represent so charmingly. I’m sorry to hear that your long letter ‘suddenly vanished’, it sounds like you lead quite an exciting and strange life where objects can disappear for hardly any reason at all. Now, I don’t really have one favourite holiday place. Sometimes I’m in the mood for somewhere beautiful and all natural, with loads of sea and beaches and things. So I’d say New Zealand is somewhere I’ve been that’s good at that type of thing. Then other times I like to go to exciting cities like Berlin or New York, and walk the streets and imagine I’m in a film. Like maybe I’m a detective or a tough guy or something. And in those places I like to go to fancy restaurants and comedy clubs and see live music and art galleries and that type of thing. So it varies according to my mood. Once I went on holiday down a rabbit-hole but it was rubbish, nothing like ‘Alice in Wonderland’ at all. It was just full of rabbits kicking at me and snarling in my face for two whole weeks. Never again.

Well, Rachel, that is deep stuff indeed. I don’t particularly base my characters’ speech on any actual dialects, it’s just a mishmash of stuff that feels right and things that make me laugh. In other words, I just go on instinct. Um… Let’s see… Mr Gum and Billy are definitely rough-spoken and ‘common-sounding’. They always say ‘ain’t’ instead of ‘isn’t’ – but I NEVER let Polly say ‘ain’t’, even though the rest of her diction is so awful. I always protect her from that, because I personally hate the word ‘ain’t’ (except in certain song lyrics, e.g. by Bob Dylan) and I don’t want Polly to fall into bad habits like the villains. So she always says ‘isn’t’. I think of Polly’s dialect as a cross between a Dickensian urchin and a Mississippi bluesman. I just make her grammar up as I go along. She usually says the word ‘well’, as in ‘well interesting’ or ‘well exciting’ or ‘well good’ on one occasion in each book. And when she has to say something that explains something important to the plot, I usually make sure her language is particularly ‘normal’ and free of weirdness at that point so that everyone can follow what she’s saying. Some other rules: Alan Taylor is always called ‘Alan Taylor’, never just ‘Alan’. The only exceptions are when Polly calls him ‘A.T.’ or in the name of his helicopter, which was called the Alancopter. Also, David Tazzyman once labelled a picture in Book 4 ‘Alan crumbs’, which I found so funny it had to stay. The only characters who refuse to call Alan Taylor by his full name are Mr Gum and Billy, who hate him, and refer to him simply as ‘Taylor’. Polly often calls Jonathan Ripples ‘Mr Ripples, sir’. Friday is the only one who ever calls Polly ‘little miss’, and in nearly every book, there is a line where the Spirit of the Rainbow is talking to Polly which goes like this: ‘”Child,” said the Spirit of the Rainbow, though he was no older than she.’ By the way, the Spirit of the Rainbow speaks a little more ‘poshly’ than the other characters. He doesn’t tend to use contractions. I.e. he would say, ‘I do not know’ instead of ‘I don’t know’. And he has a vague air of earnest mystery and importance about his speech, saying things like ‘I cannot hold them off forever’ and ‘I must away’ and stuff like that. Alan Taylor speaks a little like the Spirit of the Rainbow, but he’s not quite so formal. And also Alan Taylor sometimes drops his sincere and serious voice and becomes all giggly and childlike for a moment, which is something the Spirit would never do. It’s fun when Alan Taylor goes like that because after all, he is a cute little thing and I like it when he gets all excited and silly. OK, so I’ve probably bored everyone now, but I find this stuff interesting. Next!

Because my favourite word changes all the time. Today my favourite word is ‘tomorrow’. Tomorrow it will probably be ‘yesterday’. Yesterday it was ‘today’. It’s a wonderful life, wouldn’t you agree, Jude? So many words to enjoy! You can have a different one each day!

I kind of think Mr Gum’s already met his true love - Billy William the Third. Not that Mr Gum wants to kiss Billy, or anything. But in a way they’re perfectly matched and Billy is kind of like Mr Gum’s wife. Will he ever find an actual true love? I don’t know, Hannah, honestly I don’t. People always think I know everything about the characters but I don’t, some of it’s a mystery to me until it happens.

Hello, James. Mr Gum would hate the idea of a school newspaper for sixteen reasons: 1/ He hates anything to do with learning and schools. 2/ He hates newspapers, because they can inform people about things, and Mr Gum hates actually knowing anything about the world. He would rather everyone was left in ignorance, like common beetles. 3/ He hates reading in general. 4 – 16/ Some other reasons. Now, as regards the ‘Northmead News’, I would like to issue the following important statement: ATTENTION, NORTHMEAD NEWS. I HAVE HIDDEN A LIVE BLACKBIRD WITH A SECRET CODE WRITTEN ON ITS FOREHEAD SOMEWHERE IN YOUR SCHOOL. WHEN DECIPHERED, THIS CODE WILL LEAD TO A CERTAIN BOOK IN THE SCHOOL LIBRARY. TURN TO PAGE 144 OF THIS BOOK AND FIND THE SIXTH WORD ON THE EIGHTH LINE. NOW, TYPE THIS WORD INTO THE HEAD TEACHER’S COMPUTER AND PRESS ‘ENTER’. YOU HAVE UNTIL MIDNIGHT ON MIDSUMMER’S EVE 2011 TO COMPLETE THIS TASK, OTHERWISE THE ENTIRE SCHOOL WILL SHRINK TO THE SIZE OF A PIECE OF A4 PAPER. GOOD LUCK, CHILDREN OF NORTHMEAD, MAY YOU BE BRAVE AND TRUE AND GOOD AT FINDING BLACKBIRDS. YOURS SINCERELY, ANDY STANTON, CHILDREN’S AUTHOR AND OCCASIONAL FROG-IMPERSONATOR.

Well, Paul. Firstly the fairy is a he, not a she. But you weren’t to know that as it doesn’t say so in the book. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back, though lots of people want him to. And secondly, are Mr Gum and Billy really dead? Really? I’m not sure about that, Paul, I don’t think that’s entirely accurate, do you?

The thing is, Caitlin, try and imagine a grape. That’s like the children’s book, because it’s young, isn’t it? And now try and imagine a raisin, which is like the adult’s book, because it’s turned old, hasn’t it? And yet, both are delicious. So in answer to your question, fruit is a very important component of your diet and it is essential to a healthy lifestyle.

Next!

Hi Austin and Austin’s brother. What a nice mummy and daddy you must have to read my books to you. I hope your daddy does Alan Taylor’s voice properly though, not like some other daddies I could mention. But never mind that now. How bad is Mr Gum? Well, I once wrote a song about him which explains exactly how bad he is but no one has ever seen the words until now. So here we go, Austin, especially for you: He’s like a cloud, on a rainy day. Or a poo, in a swimming pool. Or sometimes like, when you’re flying a kite, and it gets stuck up in a tree and it gets eaten by an eagle! Eaten by an eagle! Eaten by an eagle! Eaten by an eagle! He’s like a guy who sells you ice cream – but then turns out to be a werewolf. Mr Gum, he’s very bad! He makes the children of the town very sad! We’ve got to stop him, stop him, stop him! Stop him, todaaaaaaay! I hope that clears things up.

Yeah, probs. Whatever.

I would quite like to write an autobiography but I can’t think of a good main character.

Hmm, I can’t say for sure, Neve. Perhaps you should ask Little Carlos and his faithful sheep, Splinters?

Aww, Abbie, that’s such a sweet question! Well, don’t worry, Jakey’s absolutely fine in the winter, he stays up the horse chestnut tree and his thick fur keeps him nice and warm. And also, the birds of the woods love him so much that each year they get together and weave him a wonderful big ‘blanket’ out of twigs and pieces of bark and moss. So he never goes cold and he never grows old, for his heart is a big bass drum. And the winter stars sing him softly to sleep, and they twinkle, one by one. And he dreams of a magical Land of Bones, where the dogs run wild and free. And that’s the story of big old Jake, in winter up the chestnut tree.

Yes, Ben. I think you’re as crazy as a chandelier made of fried basketballs. In other words: Excellent work. Go straight to the top of the class, you successful flea.

That’s such a difficult question, I can’t possibly give you one single answer. But here’s a jumbled list of some of my favourites: Jaws; The Big Blue; Annie Hall; Dogville; Sideways; One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest; Being There; Withnail And I; Ratatouille; Rushmore; Network; The Lives Of Others; Toy Story; Close Encounters of the Third Kind; Mary Poppins; E.T.; Star Wars; Kingpin; Man On The Moon; Mr Gum – The Movie; Harold And Maude; Fight Club; Spirited Away - and plenty more I can’t think of just now. Films are great, aren’t they?

Dear Ms Riva, in the event I did NOT get a wife and as such I look forward to marrying you in the near future. Unless, that is, some other rival for my love should happen to come along at this exact moment. But fear not, I’m sure that won’t happe – uh oh, what’s this next question all about?

Um, I think I’d marry her, Kayla, but it’s sort of complicated because a minute ago I just kind of got engaged to Isabella’s mum. And also I’m a bit bamboozled about your offer, do you mean would I marry the chocolate shaped wife? Or would I marry your mum? And also, I seem to remember sort of agreeing to marry a teacher called Miss Yeardley last year, but I’m not sure if she knows anything about it, oh, hang on, here she is now…

Oh, lordy. You wait for years and years to find a wife and then three come along all at once! I’m so confused… What to do? Who to pick? How to proceed? Note to Egmont: Can we have a separate page on this website called ‘Ask Andy Out’? I think that would help things considerably… But for now, I must run away – to where, I know not. But love has me tangled up in its mysterious kissy chains, and I must have time to think. Farewell, fair maidens! Farewell, gentle readers! Until next time, this is Andy Stanton, saying farewell to all of you, farewell!