July 2009

...permission. If you are my friend then you can call me Polly but you still can't enter this room with out my permission or the password (bizzle wizzle). If you enter this room then the evil roo-de-lally Mr Gum with the red beard, blood shot eyes and hobnail boots will. Mr Gum: Hey that's my line. If you enter this room then I, the evil roo-de-lally, Mr Gum with the red beard, blood shot eyes and hobnail boots will shout at your toys and put slime on your books. I shall also attempt (but fail )to Poison your massive whopper of a dog Jake to Death and Destruction Rob Alan Taylor your gingerbread friend with electric muscles of his 10 billion. Take over your home town Lamonic Bibber with 300 Goblins. Burn your hometown Lamonic Bibber to ashes with Power Crystals Make Padlock the bear dance for sailors Dress up as a Hound with BWIII and scare people So enter at your peril. Shabba me whiskers! Oh and I'll make you watch Bag of Sticks on T.V Billy William III: And If you enter this room I'll throw rotten cow hearts and entrails at you. Ha Ha. That's funty that is. It's the funtiest fing in all of Engerland. And then I'll poke you with a Matthew Robinson. It's a mittersy what a Matthew Robinson is because a minotaur sat on it and then a rhino war sat on the minotaur and had to go to the hoppital and the dennist. Also I'll throw plumpkins at you. Ha Ha! Alan Taylor: I am a teacher of the natural world and head teacher of Saint Pterodactyl's School For The Poor and I warn you not to go in this room or you will be attacked by a orange and black stripy thing known as a tiger. And a small grey thing known as a piece of fluff. Friday O' Leary: THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE! VORSICHT! ES GIBT EINE KLEINE EULE HINTER DIR! (that's THE TRUTH IS A LEMON MERINGUE ! in Spanish) (not really) Anyway I'll turn YOU into a lemon meringue if you enter this room! And I'll throw 5 ping pong balls and a banana at you to. Angry Fairy: If you don't keep you're garden tidy I'll wallop you with this frying pan. If you enter this room I'll wallop you with this frying pan. And if you don't enter this room I'll wallop you with a frying pan anyway because I want to. Goblins(Wippy, Captain Ankles, Yak Triangle, Oink Balloon, Oweezil, Funk Whistle, Livermonk, Big Steve, Jingles, Mr. Boomerang, Soupdog, Andre Crabtree): Shiny Fing! Shiny Fing! Shiny Fing! Spirit of the rainbow: If you enter this room then the forces of good will come after you. Have a fruit chew. Got to go my mum's calling me! Spirit's Mum: SPIRIT! YER TEA'S READY! Beany McLeany: If you enter this room, I'll hit you with a broom, and sing a song of doom. Jake the dog: WOOF!!! GRRRRRR!! Jonathan Ripples: Enter this room and I'll sit on you! Old Granny: By the Forces of Good and the Power of Low Price Sherry I Command You to Do not enter This Room! Arthur the Troll: Enter this room and you must face my challenge, you idiots. And it is a mighty challenge indeed! No one has ever succeeded in beating me at this challenge, not in hundreds of years. And the challenge is this: You cannot get past me unless you guess my name. And you will NEVER guess my name. And when you have FAILED to guess my name, I will CRUSH YOUR BONES UP and EAT you. And THAT is my challenge. Yours Sincerely Arthur the Troll The Witch: If you enter this room I'm gonna do spells on you! Yes that's right - spells! I'm gonna muck you up! When I get near enough I'm gonna do spells! Then you'll be sorry! Spells! The thing that looks like a gherkin: (menacing rolling noises) Martin Launderette: What ever Jonathan Ripples said! Power Crystals: Get away from this room and take us to the windmill. For it is our destiny! Nicolas De Twinklecakes: If you enter this room then I'll throw you off my windmill. Nicolas De Twinklecakes Wife and Son: Hoorah! Hoorah Hoorah Hoorah! Mrs Lovely: If you enter this room, you'll never get free sweets and stuff from me again! Little Girl called Peter: If you enter this room then I'll get my dad Rachel to get Jonathan Ripples to sit on you. Dad Rachel: That's right. I will you know Jonathan Ripples: Everyone stop stealing all my ideas! Nobody In Particular: I'm off to eat my dinner but do not enter this room. Nathaniel Surname: If you enter this room then I'll set my chocolate with magic powers on you. Kevin the Pirate: Arr shiver me timber's don't enter this room or I'll make ye walk the plank. Ancient Trees': We are the trees'. You are not welcome in this room. We are the trees'. Anthony: All old men are unpleasant and wicked so don't enter this room. Ethel Frumpton: Do not enter this room or I shall get Jonathan Ripples to sit on you because I can't think of anything else to say as I'm a very minor character. Ethel's friend Mavis: Same here! Jonathan Ripples: Everyone stop stealing all my ideas! Marvellous Marvin: If you enter this room I'll wrestle you! Pickles The Phantom: Whooooooo! Do not enter this rooooooooom Or I shall haunt yooooooooooooooooou! Liz: I shall give you a really hard showbiz quiz if you enter this room. David Casserole: I am the mayor of Lamonic Bibber and if you enter this room I shall er not pronounce you King of Autumn. So there. Monsieur Bellybutton: If le you enter le this room then le I shall le stink at le you! Inkeeper: If you enter this room then it will always be the dead of winter for you. Ohh how I hates the dead of winter. Menfolk: Ahh demons, demons, ahh. (But do not enter this room) Famous Scientist Crunchy: Do not enter this room, now I am off to mess around in pyramids and dig up a mummy because that is what scientists do. Whatsisname: Do not enter this room or else! That Tall Man In The Shirt Who Killed All Those Dragons: Do not enter this room or I'll kill something other than dragons. Yellowbeard: If you enter this room I shall come after you. Robert Creator Of All Things: If you enter this room reality will fall apart! Rabbit: If you enter this room I shall be very sad and cry a lot. MopMop: If you enter this room I'll run at you really fast. Dr. No Fun: If you enter this room I'll bore you Old Danny: If you enter this room then I'll call Old Granny. Senor Darren: If you enter this room then Barcelona Jim will eat your trousers up. Barcelona Jim: Braying noises Crazy Barry Fungus: Tweet Tweet Wil Bulman: If you enter this room Padlock shall make you dance! Sir Henry Violin:If you enter this room you'll turn into a saxophone. Padlock:Mmmph! (Don't Enter this Room) Sailors: Don't enter this room or we'll rob you and laugh Captain Brazil: Climb the riggings, scrub the decks, eat a warbling frog don't enter this room. Longlegs Henderson: Do what Captain Brazil says. Nimpy Windowmash: Do what Captain Brazil says. Brendan Jawsnapper: Do what Captain Brazil says. Larry Bennet: Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge! Large Red Parrot: If only we could speak I'd tell you to do not enter the room. Postman: A Bear (now do not enter the room) Milkman: A Bear (now do not enter the room) Fog: If you enter this room, I'll swirl at you and then not swirl but then remember to swirl again. Bradley: If you enter this room I'll set my llamas on you cos I'm a South American Priest. Hound of Lamonic Bibber: RAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! Drunk Starling with party hat on: TWEEEEEET HIC Fishing Tony the Garden Gnome: I'm dead of a heart attack how can I speak BUT DON'T ENTER THIS ROOM. Tiny Baby: WAAAAH my pram!!! Dozens of tramps: Snore Snore Snore Splash What Don't enter this room. Burger Boy: It will all be alright if you don't enter this room Frolicking Sparrow: Tweet Frolick Rover: MMMMM woof yum grandpa is yummy Grandpa: AHHHHHHH STOP ROVER STOP Ian the Bluebottle: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Toy Mouse: SQUEEK New York Polly: It's my birthday and I've got a pony New York Polly's Mother: Do not enter this room, you'll give my daughter a bad dream. Toy Cat: Miaoww Passing American Tourist: I don't really know what's going on but do not enter this room. Mimsy Rogers: I wrote the Cobbler books so do not enter this room. Joseph Delaney: I wrote Spooks Tale so do not enter this room Jenny Valentine: And I wrote Ten Stations so do not enter this room. Uncle Ken: Do not enter this room or I'll get Spirits Mum to deal with you Dormouse: Squeak Engravers: It shall always be engraved DO NOT ENTER THIS ROOM Trained Badgers: Badger Noises Dummy of Mr Gum: I'm a dummy and can't talk Dummy of BWIII: I'm a dummy and can't talk Moon: If you enter this room I'll be too scared to fight the fog Queen: AARRGH MY FACE Bishop: HAA HAA I SMASHED THE QUEENS FACE Thing that looks like a horse: Well I'll fart all over the bishop Narrator: If you enter this room, snurfling and the occasional snood will be involved. So enter at your Peril. Editor: Basically what they're all trying to say is don't go into this room. {INSERT CRAFTY TOM HERE} SO ENTER AT YOUR PERIL

Answer: What do I think of your door sign, you ask? I think you must have a very large door. Astounding work, sir!

It has crossed my mind, Katy. But then, so has the idea of a car made out of cake. And that's never going to happen, now, is it? So in answer to your question: MAYBE.

Probably not, Conor. I think there'll be eight MG books plus the 'Hound'. Yippity!

A car made out of cake.

What on earth is wrong with you people? You're all nuts. Haven't you got anything better to do than bother me with your crazy questions about sweets and cars and who knows what else??? My goodness, you'll probably be asking me what embarrassing things I did at school next!

SEE? Told you so! Why won't you weirdoes leave me alone?

I am rather fond of M N P L . It is just like MONOPOLY except there's only half the number of squares on the board, so it only takes half as long to play, which is a jolly good thing if you ask me.

Yes, I did know that you want to be a puffin, Blobber. Everyone knows you want to be a puffin. We've known it for ages. All we ever talk about is how you want to be a puffin. 'Oh, have you heard about Blobber McAndrew?' we say. 'He wants to be a puffin, you know.' However, I did not know your birthday's the day before mine, that is news to me. Finally I have four tips on how to be a puffin: 1/ Every day at one o'clock in the afternoon you must stand outside your house and say: Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! A puffin I shall be! With a wing and a beak and a rosy little cheek, a puffin, a puffin I shall be! 2/ Every day at two o'clock in the afternoon you must stand outside your house and say: Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up! A puffin I shall be! With a wing and a beak and a rosy little cheek, a puffin, a puffin I shall be! 3/ Every day at three o' clock in the afternoon - Well, actually, I suppose it's only one tip really. Every day at one o'clock, two o'clock, three o'clock and four o'clock in the afternoon you must stand outside your house and say that rhyme. After a year of doing this you should be a puffin. Good luck, Blobber! I hope you'll be a puffin soon!

I don't think I did write a whole book when I were wee, Sandy. But I'll tell you the very first thing I remember writing: When I was about five or six we had to write a poem about snow at school. Only I decided to do mine as a song instead, and then I sung it to the class. It went: When the snow came down, it wasn't brown! It was white and it was clean! (Duh duh duh duh duh!) When I was at school, I threw a snowball. And it hit Duncan Lamb on the head. CHORUS: It hit Duncan Lamb on the head! It hit Duncan Lamb on the head! It hit Duncan Lamb on the head! And it hit Duncan Lamb on the head! I can't remember the second verse. Duncan Lamb was the name of a boy in my class. Everyone liked my song except for him.

Hey. It sure is. But will he? We will have to wait and see! Exciting, eh?

Music on every street and sweets on every tree.

Hi, Edward! I'm really glad the 'Mr Gum' books make you want to read! : I'm not dyslexic but a good friend of mine is. She is not so good at spelling or writing either. But she's really cool and can do lots of impressive things I can't, like sing in tune and make clothes.

Thank you, T & S, it is always nice to have a bucket load of praise. Far nicer than a bucket load of squirrel meat, if you ask me.

Well, thank you, Dr Starch, it is always nice to hear from a real doctor, especially one named after a polysaccharide carbohydrate consisting of a large number of glucose units joined together by glycosidic bonds. I have thought about doing a map of Lamonic Bibber because I know what it looks like in my head. But perhaps it looks different in everyone else's heads so it's best left to the imagination. As far as the Chronicle goes, I'm afraid that the Lamonic Bibber postal service is rather inefficient and we only receive the papers from them every now and again. But thank you for your enthusiasm, Dr Starch, it is refreshing in these modern times.

I gots a few! I gots Duncan, I gots Noëlle and I gots Sandy! FACTS ABOUT THE BEST FRIENDS: Duncan is originally Australian but he lives in London because, well, I don't know why but he just does! Even though he is my age he is bald! Duncan likes 'Star Wars' almost too much! Noëlle is a tingler! She is good at singing a song called 'Eat the Elephant' that I made up! She likes Chinese food and drawing! Sandy lives in Oxford! I met her on a cruise ship when I was only 13! She is slightly worse at chess than I am - and I'm not all that good to begin with!

Don't think I don't remember you, Hannah the 700 year old witch, because I do. You are a horror. Now, in answer to your question: I don't know. Sorry for the boring answer but that's the truth. Now go and hassle someone else, you ghastly terror of the night, you!

1) You sure can, Jordan. You can write any story you want, yippee-ai-ay! 2) How about these: 'Mr Gum and the Giant Snowflake', 'Mr Gum and the Secret Omelette' or 'Mr Gum and the Philosopher's Stone'. (Actually you'd better not try that last one, it could get everyone in a lot of trouble with 'the Law'.)

He lives, he lives, he lives in Lamonic Bibber! He eats, he eats, he eats, he eats too much! CHORUS: Jonathan Ripples, Jonathan R.! Don't you know how fat you are? Ripples, Jonathan, Ripples, J.! Why don't you go on a diet today?! I hope that enormously bad song answers your question, Elias.

No, I like wearing my glasses! I have tried contact lenses. Now contact lenses really ARE annoying. It's like putting fruit pastilles you've been sucking on for too long in your eyes. (WARNING: DO NOT PUT FRUIT PASTILLES YOU'VE BEEN SUCKING ON FOR TOO LONG IN YOUR EYES. OR ANYONE ELSE'S EYES.) So. Any other questions? No? Right-o, I'm off to watch 'Deal Or No Deal' then. See you next month, folks!