July 2010

Click on the question below to discover the answers!

I have a serious matter to discuss. My friends don’t think you’re cool. Have you got anything to say to them? I'm 12 by the way - Mads

Hi, Mads. Your friends are the real ‘mad’ ones though because I’m ENTIRELY cool! I’m so cool I sometimes can’t get out of bed in the morning as I’ve frozen to the sheets. I’m so cool I’m like a funky snowman. I’m so cool I keep chilled champagne in my socks. Man, I’m cool. What’s wrong with your friends? Don’t they know ANYTHING?

Do you find your books easy or hard to write? - Tori Busst

I find them really hard to write, Tori. It’s hard to come up with a good idea for each new book, that’s definitely the most difficultest part. Sometimes I get a few chapters into a story or even halfway – or sometimes even to the end – and then I think, no, this story’s not going to work after all and I have to give it up and start again with a new idea. In fact, on my computer I’ve got TONS of half-finished or quarter-finished ‘Mr Gum’ stories, or chapters that lead nowhere. Maybe one day I’ll be able to use those bits and pieces. But until then, I’m the only one who’ll get to see them. Mwaaah ha ha ha ha!

I can’t get enough of your books and I want to ask what is your favourite book, please? - Daniel Clays

Hi, Daniel. I think I like ‘You’re A Bad Man, Mr Gum!’ and ‘Mr Gum and the Dancing Bear’ best. The first book because I originally wrote it to make my little cousins laugh; and ‘Dancing Bear’ because it’s got ships and the sea in, and also because it’s funny and sad all at the same time. But I also like the next book, which will be out in October or November this year. I think it’s a good one, I hope you’ll like it too.

My little brother can make himself burp. I can't. Can you? - Joseph Wolfe, age 7

Actually I can. I’m really good at it. When I was at school I used to impress my friends by burping the alphabet. It didn’t impress the teachers though. In fact, I’ve just finished recording the audio book of ‘Mr Gum and the Goblins’, although it won’t be out for a few months. In that, I performed Livermonk’s burp solo in ‘The Tunnel Song’ and if I say so myself, I did a rather good job. BRRRRAAAARRRP!

If I remember correctly from Book 5, you made a "Simpsons" reference. What is your favourite Simpsons episode and character? - Jake

Oh, I love ‘The Simpsons’ SOOOO much. My favourite character outside of the main family is Mr Burns because of his voice and all the old-fashioned language he uses. Also it’s hilarious whenever he has to do anything physical and he’s too weak to do it, e.g. when he tries to throw a baseball and it just flops straight down at his feet. I’ve got lots of favourite episodes. I like the ones where the whole town is involved, like ‘Bart’s Comet’ or ‘Helen of Troy’ or ‘Marge vs. the Monorail’. Don’t get me started, I could talk about this for hours...

You may remember me as I wrote to you a couple of years ago when I sent you my Mr Gum Top Trumps that I made! Well, for my home work I am writing a fact file on the author of my fave books and that is YOU!!! What is your favourite book, movie, music, colour, place to go on holiday and do you have a lucky number? Any info would be great! Ooodles of thanks Georgie Higgo (now nearly 13) xx

Hi, Georgie! I do remember you and your Top Trumps cards, yes! (But even if I didn’t I’d pretend I did so as not to hurt your feelings. But I do. Honestly.) OK, lots of questions... Fave children’s book: ‘The Eighteenth Emergency’ by Betsy Byars. Fave ‘adult’ book: ‘Bleak House’ by Charles Dickens. Fave movie: ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’ (all about aliens) or ‘The Big Blue’ (all about deep-sea diving). Fave music: Prince, Frank Zappa, Ween, Bob Dylan and about eight thousand other guys. Fave colour: I like them all. Fave place to go on holiday: Not sure – but I’ve always wanted to go to Mexico for some reason. And I’d like to go to Scandinavia to see the Northern Lights. Lucky number: 114 (you’ll see that Polly also uses that number at the end of the first chapter of Book 2). Thanks, Georgie! Come again!

What shampoo do you use on your lovely head of hair? - Steve the Starfish

Cheap stuff.

How old is your cousin Ben, Or "the beautiful lady" as you sometimes call him? - Grace, aged 13

I think he’s about nineteen now. NINETEEN ALREADY! It seems like only yesterday that he was saying ‘goo goo ga ga’ and eating baby food. In fact it was only yesterday, he’s a very strange young man. I shall tell him that you said hello and also that you fancy him.

Hi Andy!!! Hi ya! How do you do? Bonjour! Aloha! Nice to see ya! (phew). Have you ever said hello to someone you really admire too many times, like a famous person or something? Thx! Bye! Au revoir! See ya! Goodbye! (must stop this!) - Scarlett

Oh, Scarlett, I see what you did there. Very clever. Now, yes, this actually has happened to me once, sort of. When I was at university many years ago I bumped into David Bowie, who is another musical hero of mine. And I just turned into a blibbering idiot and kept saying all sorts of nonsense and basically dribbling a lot. Mr Bowie was very nice about it. I expect it happens to him all the time but it was embarrassing all the same. So long, Scarlett! Ciao! Auf Wiedersehen! Shalom! Grapefruit!

Do you ever get a day off? - Willow

Well now, Willow. That’s a hard question to answer. Because I work from home I can take time off whenever I like, as there isn’t a fat boss looking over my shoulder to make sure I’m working and hitting me with a photocopier if I’m not. So I often waste far too much time watching the World Cup, or box sets of ‘The Simpsons’. Or playing my guitar (badly). Or sitting in a café and dreaming of asking out the pretty girl who works there but never doing it because I’m a wuss. Or whatever. So I am very good at wasting time. But on the other hand, when you’re a writer you kind of never get any time off because you’re always thinking about your books, coming up with ideas to change them to make them better or working out the next bit of plot or all sorts of things. So although I get time off my brain never really gets a break from the books. It’s a bit of an annoyance – but a nice one really.

I want to get a cat but my mom says: "No they go for your jugular!" Can you please help me with ideas to nag her with. - Helen the Psychedelic Llama

Probably the best way is to go to the supermarket and buy some cheese. Crumble it into tiny pieces and distribute them all over the house. Then wait. Wait a little longer. Wait a little longer again. Aha! Your crafty plan is now beginning to work, Helen. Because look who’s come along to get at that cheese – it’s none other than lots and lots of mice. Soon they’ll be overrunning the house in that way they do, you know, that mousey way of theirs. There’ll be mice on every available inch of carpet. On every stair, a little mouse, very possibly with clogs on, will be going clip-clippety-clop. There will be mice sleeping in the beds, mice swinging from the lampshades and mice swimming in the toilet bowl. Your mother will be going out of her mind with mice. And now, Helen – now is when you once again suggest getting a cat. And I think she’ll say yes this time.

Hello Andy, We saw you at The Hay Festival. We all agreed in the car on the way home that you were the absolute highlight! We wondered what school you went to before you were at Oxford. We have a budding 10 year old writer that needs to be inspired. PS Who are the brain police?! Respect! - The Respect Crew

Hey, Respect Crew! Thanks for your awesomenessicityisation. I’m glad you had a good time at Hay, I very much enjoyed running around like a total idiot on that stage. I went to a primary school called Elmgrove in Kenton (suburb of London), then I went to a posh public school called Latymer Upper in Hammersmith. Actually it wasn’t as posh as all that, it was a bit rubbish, in a good way. Budding 10 year old writer: See the next ‘Ask Andy’ question. That should inspire you! And as for the Brain Police – take a look right here and prepare to be freaked out of your tiny little brains. Respect!

All of us at the Canny Hinny Club would like to present.. THE STORY OF FRANK THE BAKER Frank N. Stine the baker was a lonely man. He wanted a friend. No one would come and work for him in his biscuit shop. So he decided to create one. Every night he would lurk near the bins of other bakeries and take all the broken bits of gingerbread man he could find. When he had collected all the bits he carefully hollowed them out and filled them with organs made of marzipan. He then stuck them together with icing and stuck on raisins for buttons and eyes and a foam banana for a smile. It was finally ready. His-DAH DAH DAH-monster gingerbread man. Frank then waited for a stormy night, then stuck lightning rods in the gingerbread man and put him on the roof. The lightning zapped the gingerbread man and-FAZAM!!!- it began to move. "AAAAH!!!" yelled Frank when he saw the biscuit moving. He ran over the hills and never came back. However, the story wasn't over. The gingerbread man was ALAN TAYLOR! That was the story of how Alan Taylor got his electric muscles. So Andy, did you enjoy our story and did Alan Taylor? - Stephanie, Mike, Gina, Nigel and ANDY!!!

Wow! That’s so awesome, although I asked Alan Taylor and he said it didn’t happen like that at all (though he refused to offer a better explanation). The REALLY WEIRD thing about your story is that it’s a lot like a story I was trying to write once about a scarecrow who got zapped with lightning and came to life. And there was even a guy called Frank in my story too. Maybe I’ll publish it one day and you’ll sue me.

Who are Polly's parents? I would really like to know! - Dylan McDermott

Next!

Andy, you once advised me to put wolves in my children's shoes. This resulted in some nasty injuries, but the vet said that they would recover in no time. Have you noticed that lots of mums ask you questions? Why might this be? - Jane Rutherford

Sorry about that, Ms Rutherford. I have indeed noticed that lots of mums ask me questions, I suppose it must be because no one knows what to do with their children and for some reason they think I might be able to help. Which is very nice and I do like to do my best and offer advice, but pay attention to Ms Rutherford’s sad story, all you other potential question-asking mums: sometimes nasty injuries do occur. This has been a public health warning, may aid weight loss only as part of a calorie-controlled diet, remember that interest rates may rise as well as fall, if you don’t keep up your monthly repayments your house may be repossessed and filled with glitter and worms.

When are you going to turn your books into audio CD's? You should ask my mum to do them for you as she's a Lemon Meringue. PS I went to school as Mr Gum on World Book Day and came 2nd. Silly Little Red Riding Hood won, but both she and I know that it should have been me. - Florence Broadbent, age 8

Well, Florence. The first book is already an audio CD, you nibblehead! You should be able to find it in shops or on Amazon. And guess what? I’ve just finished recording books two and three! They’ll be out in a few months, I think ‘Biscuit Billionaire’ is coming out October-ish. It’s great, I get to do all the characters’ voices – often quite badly, but never mind. And there’s sound effects and weird bits of music and all sorts of stuff to keep you entertained for the rest of your life, or at least for an hour or so. I’m sorry Little Red Riding Hood was accidentally awarded the Number One Gold Medal Reward and the £10,000 cash prize. But at least she admitted you were the best, so I reckon she’s probably a good sort.

When you were small what did you want to be? - Georgia

Big.

Hey Andy, please please please answer my question I have asked so many you wouldn't believe it! Anyway will Mrs Lovely ever have any children or is she far too ancient? I think some Friday/lovely children would be awesome! - Lily

Hi, Lily! I think Mrs Lovely could probably have some children, you know. And I think you’re right – the Friday/Lovely kids would be the best. Mrs Lovely could make sweets for them and Friday could teach them all the secrets of the Universe and fill their heads with all that wonderful and very accurate knowledge he has. It’d be cool if they had twins, too. How cool would that be? And if they were made of LIQUID – no, now I’m just getting carried away.

You know when you went to the Hay Festival? I was that girl with the blonde hair and the lollipop man called Alan Taylor! Anyway my question is: If you could move to a different country which country would you go to? I'd definitely go to Lamonic Bibber. Please answer this! - That girl who lives somewhere and has a name what I've forgot

I’d move to Berlin or New York, like it says at the back of my books. I like it there. There’s loads of arty stuff going on and cool music and everyone’s made of LIQUID – no, sorry, I’m just getting carried away again. But I like the idea of those places. Or I’d like to live by the sea, that’d be good too.

Does Mr Egmont wear makeup when he is Mrs Egmont? - JoJo Psycic

Yes. But only on his legs. Thanks for your questions, everyone. Enjoy the sun while it lasts and I’ll see you next time, you hilarious little wigglers! Byeeee!