May 2010

Probably a ram, as they tend to get overlooked for space missions. Also, if you needed to take any rock samples they would be useful for butting at the surface of the moon with their powerful horns. And finally, I just think they’d enjoy it.

Yes. Alan Taylor turned vegetarian for religious purposes somewhere around Book 4. Also, Crazy Barry Fungus is mostly vegetarian as he eats birdseed; although he has been known to scoff the occasional woodlouse. Apart from that, they’re all omnivores, I’m afraid, which means they like to eat omnis.

I am left-handed and I like it. Here are some famous people from history who were left-handed: Someone, Someone Else, Another Guy, A Woman Who Looked A Lot Like A House, Elvis Presley (not the famous one, another one who worked at a carpet shop, sweeping up the grapes and uranium dropped by careless customers). According to The Bumper Book of Utter Rubbish, being left-handed is a sign of intelligence, beauty and left-handedness.

Hi, Obi-Wan. I thought you were dead, although I do know you like to appear in people’s dreams and things from time to time. I could tell you the title of Book 8. Or you could read my mind using your awesome Jedi tricks. If you are the real Obi-Wan, that is, and not just a weirdo wearing a brown sack, AS I VERY MUCH SUSPECT. Next!

Heather: Yes. Erif: No.

Yes, he does – and it is an unpleasant and potentially deadly situation. So to avoid just this problem Polly takes him to the dry cleaners once a month, and twice on his birthday for good luck.

You know, Christina, you really don’t have any choice. First you start off as a baby, being rubbish and flopping about all over the floor throwing up toys. Then you turn into a toddler, shouting ‘Frere Jacques’ and kicking pigeons at the wall. After that, it’s a few years at school being cheeky, followed by a few years sitting in your room listening to miserable songs and hating everybody. Next you’re a sort of nearly-grown-up person with hardly any money who works in some awful job for a fat boss called Mr Roberts. Then you spend a couple of months being a potato (no one knows why this is but it happens to everyone), and then suddenly – BING! You’re all grown-up and you have to deal with banks, bills, parking spaces and trying to find cheap holidays on the Internet. And from there you just keep getting older and older and smaller and smaller and smaller until one day you’re so tiny you just float off into the wind, headed for adventure. So in answer to your original question – I’ve absolutely no idea.

A ram, as I’d quite like to go into space.

Indeed I have, Maddy. I have met lots of great authors and illustrators, including: Jacqueline Wilson, Michael Rosen, Lauren Child, Jenny Valentine, Catherine Forde, Graham Marks, Me, Patrick Ness, Francesca Simon, Ninstroccollo Espanzipan, Mimsy Rogers, Louise Rennison, Sophie Mckenzie, Quentin Blake, David Tazzyman (who is one hundred feet tall and smells of sunflowers), Philip Reeve, Meg Rossof and probably loads of others I can’t remember right now. Also I have met Bill Bailey off the telly.

I think there’s something a bit strange about the Time in Lamonic Bibber, Elly. Nothing’s been the same since Mr Gum stole all the calendars back in the year of – well, no one’s sure exactly when that was. But since then, things have gone a bit odd. For example, Polly does have a birthday each year; but it always turns out to be her ninth birthday. Sorry, that’s as much as I know on the subject and even that may be incorrect. Isn’t Science amazing?

Yo, Bethany! I like the way you talk, I like the way you walk, I like the way you spalk! Yo, why not be an author and a teacher too? Cuz there’s lots you can do, with a woo-hoo-ho! Yo! Why not be a parrot in a marmalade jar? Why not be a carrot in a bumper car? Why not be a page in a magazine? Or a cat called ‘Dean’? Or the number 13? Why not be a chimney in a Northern town? Or a nervous clown? Or a dressing-gown? You could be an olive if you wanted to! You could be an elk, you could be a gnu! Have you ever thought about becoming a quail? Or a metal snail? Or a monkey’s tail? I know! You could be a box of baby shoes! Or a ten-ton orange, reading the news! You could choose to be fierce, like an angry bee! You could choose to be you, you could choose to be me! Yes, there’s lots you could do, so don’t hold your breatheny, it’ll all work out if you let it, Bethany!

Of course! Here goes: What do you call a 9 year old girl who loves my books and wants to be an author like me when I’m older and has all the ‘Mr Gum’ books so far but as her family is trying to move house most of the books are in storage so she can’t read them? Answer: Natalie. (Jess, have you met Natalie? I think you’d like her, you two have a lot in common.)

Hello, Benedict. I don’t know what your last question was, but I like this one! I think the answer would probably be HORROR. Oooooh! Now – you think you’ve got problems getting on this site? Well, things could be worse. Just take a look at Olivia’s question and you’ll see what I mean...

Well, everyone. I’m afraid that’s all we’ve got time for this month. Thanks for writing in and – NO! NOT REALLY! Olivia, thank you for writing in so many times with your questions! I really am going to answer your question now, and seeing as you’ve now written in eleven times I shall answer you in eleven ways. Bonus!

1/ Eat it and say, ‘Oh, that meal was a bit rich.’
2/ Buy a lamppost. Not just any lamppost but a very nice lamppost.
3/ Give you 20p.
4/ Give it back to all the people in the world, but this time I’d make sure the poor ones got rich and the rich ones got poor.
5/ Go down the video arcade and play shoot-em-ups for the rest of my life.
6/ Make it all into an enormous sculpture of a lion called ‘The Beast of Greed’.
7/ Fund scientific research into trying to bring cartoon characters to life.
8/ Build a bridge across the ocean.
9/ Build an ocean across the bridge.
10/ Go up to the Queen, wave thousands of pounds in her face and say, ‘Not so rich and brilliant NOW, are you, eh?’
11/ Buy a large cold mansion up on a hill and live out my days in lonely madness.

Well, that’s a depressing note on which to end. Bye, everyone! See you next time!