October 2009

I once jumped off a moving bus on Oxford Street. It was the old type of bus with the open platform at the back and you could hop on or off. Unfortunately, when my feet hit the road I lost my balance and went tumbling down the street. I had a big bag of Christmas shopping, and it burst open and all the presents I had bought went flying all over the place. About a hundred people saw it happen and some of them were laughing quite loudly. Also, I was once in a restaurant and when I opened my mouth to eat a piece of steak, my head fell off. That was extremely embarrassing, I can tell you!

I’m afraid not, Old Granny. You’d just hollow it out and hide little bottles of sherry inside.

Hi, Katie! Thanks for your question (eventually :) ). Well, when I think up a new character, they usually come with their name attached. I don’t actually have to think about it, the name just pops into my head with the rest of it. Occasionally I have to work harder to think of the right name, but it’s best when it just happens automatically, like weird brain magic no one can explain.

I was eating a wafer.

He hasn't got it, you pigs! Let him go. He don't mean no harm to anyone, he's just trying to make ink.

Not telling, not telling! Next!

Amber, I’m having a bad hair life.

Hopefully you can hear a snippet of me doing Polly’s voice by clicking right here. I’m sorry if it’s not as good as your Mummy’s but after all, she is a lady and she can probably do girls’ voices better than me. And she probably looks nicer in a skirt than me too.

I like ‘She ran past a cat’s ears which were lying on the pavement and a cat’s nose and whiskers which were lying on the pavement and a cat’s body and tail and legs and eyes and claws which were lying on the paveme – in fact it was all just one cat, lying on the pavement.’

I do like eating gingerbread men, even though they remind me of Alan Taylor. Actually, I have a dream that one day in the future, gingerbread men will be known as ‘Alan Taylors’. So you’d go to the bakery and say, ‘a chocolate éclair, a cream slice and two Alan Taylors, please.’ Wouldn’t that be magnificent?

Yes, eventually the onion stood up to his bullies and ran at them, knocking them down like bowling pins. After that they never bothered him again and are now good little courgettes who pay attention in class and do what they’re told. (Except for one of them, who was unfortunately captured by Jamie Oliver and turned into ratatouille.)

Caffeine.

I think he’s a big fat whopper of a Labrador, Alex.

Lots of girls are called Peter, Peter. For instance, you yourself may be a girl. In any case, I didn’t call the little girl Peter, it was her dad, Rachel, who named her Peter.

Hello, Jane. Congratulations for being the only person to mention ‘cognitive dissonance’ in ‘Ask Andy’ this month. Now, in answer to your question, I have three methods: 1/ Hide wolves in their shoes. 2/ Hide wolves in their toothpaste. 3/ Hide wolves in their ears. This should keep your children in a constant state of alertness/terror and they’ll be far too jumpy to be lazy. (If you can’t find any wolves, raisins will have to do – but it won’t be nearly as effective as most children are not particularly frightened of raisins.)

Simple - I don’t sign copies of ‘The Gruffalo’ because I don’t want to ruin the lovely design of the books. So, my friend, it would seem that I was telling the truth all along and in fact YOU are the only fraud around here, Oliver Walker. If that’s even your real name.

I used to be really, really cheeky to teachers, Willow. I once got thrown out of a lesson for being very silly and cheeky. As I was walking out the door in disgrace, the teacher said, ‘I’ve never SEEN such rudeness in all my life!’ And I turned around and said, ‘Yes, you have – you’ve seen it just now. That’s why you’re throwing me out of your lesson, remember?’ Also I once jumped into the swimming pool in my school uniform for a dare.