October 2011

Mrs Lenoir, of course

Hmm, interesting question. I did once start writing a book about Mr Gum’s mum, actually. It was going to be called ‘It’s Your Mum, Mr Gum!’ but I couldn’t make it work so I abandoned it. In the story as far as I got, Mr Gum’s mum came back to Lamonic Bibber and was horrified to discover that her beloved son had turned into such a filthy old horror. So in that version of events, she definitely wasn’t evil, she was a very nice old lady indeed. In fact, here’s a bit from the story, just to show you where it was heading:

There was a little old lady sitting on the bench next to Polly, a little old lady with red hair who looked strangely familiar, although Polly had never met her before.

‘Hello, little girl,’ said the little old lady

.‘Hello, little old lady,’ said Polly. ‘I wonder if you could possibly help me,’ smiled the little old lady. ‘You see, I haven’t been to Lamonic Bibber for years and years, and it all looks so different. I grew up here, you know.’

‘Really?’ said Polly politely.

‘Yes, yes,’ continued the little old lady. ‘But everything’s changed now. When I was a girl there were just three shops in town. One sold wheat, the other sold half-price wheat and the third shop gave the wheat away for free. It was a very competitive business. Anyway, I’m back in town because I’m trying to find my long-lost son. His name’s Mr Gum, perhaps you might have heard of him?’

‘Mr Gum?’ exclaimed Polly in astonishment. ‘You means, you’re his… you means to say… you’re Mr Gum’s…’ But she couldn’t finish what she was saying, it was simply too weird.

‘That’s right,’ agreed the little old lady cheerfully. ‘I’m Mr Gum’s mother. Oh, what a good little boy he was! He always finished his vegetables, he especially liked corn on the cob, I remember. And he was ever so friendly. He was always laughing and joking and having fun. Oh, I can’t wait to see him again, I’ll bet he hasn’t changed one bit!’

Happy that it hadn’t been two weeks.

No. But every hour on the hour an electric bee springs out of my right nostril and yells, ‘PANCAKES! PANCAKES! LOVELY GOLDEN PANCAKES! GET ‘EM WHILE THE GOING’S GOOD! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! LOVELY GOLDEN PANCAKES! EAT ‘EM LIKE YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD!’ It can be very embarrassing, especially if I’m at a wedding or a monthly meeting of the Society of People Who Don’t Like to Hear Electric Bees Shouting About Pancakes.

Well, Oliver, as you might have noticed, it’s quite difficult to predict when ‘Hello! It is I! I’m Surprising Ben! I pop up here, I pop up there! Surprise! Surprise! I’m everywhere!’ Surprising Ben’s going to pop up. For instance, he might even have popped up just now and I didn’t even notice as I was too busy replying to your ‘Hello! It is I! I’m Surprising Ben! I pop up here, I pop up there! Surprise! Surprise! I’m everywhere!’ question. And who knows? Perhaps he’ll pop up again later, in another question. You see, Oliver, that’s the thing about Surprising Ben – he is really rather surprising.

Not as far as I know, lashava. But then he doesn’t tell me everything that goes on. Actually, I was having tea with him the other day and I did ask him if there was a special lady in his life and he did go a little bit red (even the sparks from his electric muscles turned red for a moment) and he changed the subject very quickly. So perhaps he is seeing someone.

She does, Astrid. Friday and Mrs Lovely are perfect for each other. They go together like a strawberry and a panther, which might not sound that good. But trust me, you put a strawberry and a panther together and you’ll see what I mean.

‘Might be’ going to France? ‘Might be’? What if I come along and it turns out you’re not going to France at all but are actually headed for ‘World of Grey Carpets’, the most boring shop in the world? Forget it, Erica, I need more of a guarantee than that.

I’d say, ‘PANCAKES! PANCAKES! LOVELY GOLDEN PANCAKES! GET ‘EM WHILE THE GOING’S GOOD! PANCAKES! PANCAKES! LOVELY GOLDEN PANCAKES! EAT ‘EM LIKE YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD!’ I don’t know if it will be of any help but it ought to confuse them at the very least, and that’s always fun.

Yes. Chapter 2 is about eighteen pages long. You’re welcome.

The Simpsons, music and pizza. And of course I like Mr Gum, I invented him! ☺

For good luck.

Hmm, big question, there’s loads of good books out there – though they’re not all as silly as my books. Have you tried Roald Dahl? You could start with ‘The Twits’ (which is really funny) and move to ‘George’s Marvellous Medicine’, ‘The BFG’ and ‘Fantastic Mr Fox’. Or if you’re in the mood for something less funny but very thrilling and warm, you should try my favourite of Mr Dahl’s books, ‘Danny the Champion of the World’. It’s amazing. I’d also recommend ‘The Eighteenth Emergency’ and ‘The Midnight Fox’ by Betsy Byars. The first is funny and sad all at once, and the second is exciting and cosy. Hmm, what else? Oh, I know! There’s a great Australian author called Paul Jennings who writes short story collections with names like ‘Unbelievable!’, ‘Uncanny!’ and ‘Unreal!’ His stories are a brilliant combination of funny and spooky, I love them. And usually I find that in each of his books there is one story that is extra special and extra spooky, and which makes the hairs on the ‘Hello! It is I! I’m Surprising Ben! I pop up here, I pop up there! Surprise! Surprise! I’m everywhere!’ back of my neck stand on end. My favourite story of his is called ‘Granddad’s Gifts’ and it gives me goose bumps just thinking about it. Right, two more recommendations: ‘Here Comes Charlie Moon’ by Shirley Hughes was one of my favourite books as a child; and lastly, ‘The Children of Green Knowe’ by Lucy M. Boston, which is really haunting and eerie and old-fashioned. I hope that helps a bit, Kieran. Give them a try and see how you like them. You might not like them all, but I bet you’ll like some of them, and they’ll lead you on to discover other new books. Reading is the best! ☺

Dear supercalifragilisticexpialidosios. Your name reminds me of a Disney song, what was it called again? Oh, yes – ‘The Bear Necessities’. Anyway, thank you for asking my advice regarding your new puppy. How about calling her Sandwich? I’ve always thought that would be a nice name for a dog. Or Merrylegs. Or Coinholder. I’ve always wanted to call a character ‘Coinholder’. It’s such a rubbish word, in fact I don’t think it’s a word at all! Anyway, those are my three best suggestions, seriously. I know. I bet you wish you’d asked someone else now.

No, absolutely not. Now be gone, you annoying little mushroom! Well, there you go, folks, that’s all we’ve got time for this month. Thanks for all your questions and ‘Hello! It is I! I’m Surprising Ben! I pop up here, I pop up there! Surprise! Surprise! I’m everywhere!’ have a good October, full of conkers and pumpkins and ghosts. See you in November, which is my favourite month of all. Especially the 14th of November, I like that date very much indeed. Byeeee!