September 2011

Hi Paula. That’s an interesting way of finding the ‘Mr Gum’ books but I’m afraid the name Lamonic Bibber doesn’t have any connection to Bibber Farm or Frithelstock. Years ago I made up the phrase ‘lamonic bibber’ to describe anything that was a bit rubbish or useless, as in ‘that film was a complete load of lamonic bibber’ or ‘what a horrible meal, it was totally lamonic bibber’. Later, when I wrote the first ‘Mr Gum’ book and had to think of a name for the town, I remembered the phrase. Bibber Farm sounds good though, I hope you find it!

1/ I try to make myself laugh first and foremost. If I’m enjoying it, then there’s a good chance others will enjoy it too. Also, if I think a funny line is in any way corny or forced or has been done before – I strip it out of the book or change it to make it more surprising and original. Finally, writing funny funny funny funny funny can get a bit tiresome unless you have a bunch of good characters who readers care about – so I always try to keep the emotional element to the story, whatever craziness is going on at the funny level. 2/ I’m a very good self-editor. I know what needs to be changed in my stories, and how to bring all the elements together in a surprising and satisfactory way. So once I’ve done my first draft, I am very good at going back to it and making it better – making it really ‘sing’ and fizzle on the page. My greatest weakness as a writer is probably in getting the first draft down to begin with. I find it really hard to come up with an idea and see it through to the end of the first draft. 3/ Lots of people have supported me in many different ways. In terms of ‘Mr Gum’, I have the best team known to man or beast: My editor, Leah Thaxton; my illustrator, David Tazzyman; and my art director, Katie Bennett. Without those guys, ‘Mr Gum’ would not be as amazing as it is. 4/ Polly is my greatest achievement, I’m really proud of her. 5/ I can’t answer that, Daniel, in some ways I don’t feel that anything was more important in my life than anything else. I know that sounds odd, but wait until you get to my age – 37 – and you’ll see that life is just a crazy mishmash of stuff that happened and you can hardly even remember any of it and some days you think you’re a fish.

No, of course I’m not a time machine salesman. What a ridiculous question. Next!

Hi Asya. I do get a lot of fan mail, and it’s hard to keep up with it all. I get a lot of people drawing me very nice pictures or writing me amazing stories… As for weird things, I haven’t had too much of that. At a book signing, I was once given two enormous cakes made by a fan. And not only that, the cakes were made from eggs laid by their chickens, who I think were called Mrs Lovely and Billy William the Third. So that was quite weird. But mainly delicious.

When everything was in black and white and babies wore top hats and monocles. I don’t know the exact date, Louis, but it was a long time ago. And definitely before the War.

I think he’d survive about three minutes before getting so angry and upset that his nose would explode.

NO. I am NOT a time machine salesman. What’s wrong with you people today?

Au contraire, Daisy. I think you will find that Polly’s mum does indeed get a mention in ‘You’re a Bad Man, Mr Gum!’ in Chapter Seven. And as for why Polly’s family don’t get more of a mention than that, I’m simply not going to tell you. Sorry!

Friday O’Leary does not speak with an Irish accent, at least not when I’m reading out his lines. As for a ninth ‘Mr Gum’ book, the answer is… sort of. In October there’s a book coming out called ‘Mr Gum in “The Hound of Lamonic Bibber”’, which is a story I originally wrote for World Book Day a couple of years ago. BUT BUT BUT BUT HOWEVER! There is tons of bonus stuff in the new version, including: The story of how Mr Gum and Billy first met, when they were both ten years old! Jonathan Ripples reciting an ode to a double cheeseburger! A history of the Plum Ruffian! Pages from Friday O’Leary’s detective notebook! A special introduction and outroduction to the story! More illustrations! A little bit that wasn’t in the original story which I’m not going to tell you about, you’ll have to find it yourself! And stickers, yes, STICKERS! So look out for it, Sam, it’s gonna be a ginormous Funtime Charlie!

I would not. I might be tempted to go inside a cherry tree from time to time, Jacob; and on another occasion I would perhaps take over the land. But I would NEVER go inside a cherry tree and take over the land at the same time, that would be unseemly.

Honestly, for the last time: I am NOT a time machine salesman, OK? I am a writer of children’s books. I don’t know why you people insist on hounding me in this manner, really it is quite distressing. Would you harass Philip Pullman like this? Or J.K. Rowling? I don’t think so. So LEAVE ME ALONE. I am NOT a time machine salesman. Nor have I EVER BEEN a time machine salesman. Nor will I EVER BE a time machine salesman. Honestly. You lot are a bunch of weirdoes, you really are.

Billy loves his flies, Thomas. I’m not sure they have jobs though, I think you’re confusing Billy’s flies with the insects who live in Mr Gum’s house who are so large that they have faces and names and jobs. Here are some of the jobs that the insects in Mr Gum’s house do: Jason Smith, a daddy-long-legs – runs a tiny shoe shop in Mr Gum’s front garden. Edward Whittington, a bluebottle – owns a pub called ‘The King’s Proboscis’ at the back of one of Mr Gum’s kitchen cupboards. Samantha Bleasdale, a housefly – works from home, selling life insurance over the phone, also works part-time as a barmaid down the King’s Proboscis. Henry Hillingdon, a cockroach – entertains at insect children’s parties under the name ‘Stinky the Clown’. His best trick is regurgitating an entire mouldy banana skin. Theodore Daninksy, a stag beetle – DJs down the King’s Proboscis on a Saturday night, spends the rest of the week lazing about and wishing he had the guts to ask Samantha Bleasdale out on a date (I mean on a real date. Insects love sitting on dates because they’re so sticky and sugary and delicious). Finally there are the ants: Graham, Ollie, Lisa, Noffles, Hettie, Charlie, Dominic, Bobby, Rasputin, Mildred, Nildred, Phildred, Zildred, Tildred, Judgedredd, Muffington, Whisperflop, Aunt Pootles, Colin, Quintoppolis, Polenta, Buppy, Qwerty, Keyboardtype, Uzpog, Julia, Bnastko-Yipplington, Jack, Jacko, Jackie, Jackson, Jackdaw, Jackinthebox, Mintflake, Bobby, Admiral Bubbler, Twostep, Pizzaface, Vinnie, Comedian, Edinburgh, Festival, Wordassociation, Cobnut, Peaseblossom, Supershovel, Biffmonger, Lommington, Snit, Baby Jane, Gurtingsnook, Wellingford, Splarshy, Metalbrusher, Leafy Simon, Chuttler, Iona, Victoria, Edward, Joseph Snittles, Bambury, Colto, Guinea-Bissau, Woooooooof, Zermillion, Vastu-Vastu, Shnockrubble, Oostinima, Tuppence, Snuppence, Leanne, King Biscuit, Antennaface, Quoob, Ishmael, Hepburn, Xanthia, Goofracker, Lester, Brian, Desdemona, Bun-Deflator, Terrance, Roffi – well, actually there are probably too many ants to name. But they all work in a massive office block in Mr Gum’s back garden (well, when I say massive, it’s about eight inches tall, which is quite big for ants), except for Snuppence, who got sacked in April on account of too many nights spent down the King’s Proboscis.

NO. PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND, I AM NOT A TIME MACHINE SALESMAN. LEAVE. ME. ALONE. YOU’RE. ALL. DRIVING. ME. INSANE.

It is brilliant, because hardly anyone else is the Roald Dahl Funny Prize winner. (Also, hardly anyone else is covered from head to foot in horses’ teeth, but to be honest, that’s not so good, I tried it and it was horrible. So it’s not brilliant just because hardly anyone else has won it, I suppose. There must be another reason.) It’s brilliant because Roald Dahl’s books are amazing, and he is definitely one of my heroes when it comes to children’s literature and having a name that is quite difficult to spell. I was immensely honoured to win it. Plus they give you money.

Joe, I don’t think ANYONE could enjoy the summer as much as you do, by the looks of it.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.

I write almost all of my books at my computer, using Microsoft Word. On extremely rare occasions when I get stuck, I try writing with paper and pen. For instance, the first few chapters of ‘Mr Gum and the Dancing Bear’ were written in a café using paper and pen. But mostly it’s the computer for me. I do jot down loads of ideas in notebooks or on old scraps of paper, though. So right now, I’m trying to write a book (on computer) and I have a bunch of ideas for it written down on a notepad, so I can refer to it as I write. As for ducks, I think they’re OK.

I’m sorry but that is simply impossible. You see, Tilly Holt, you are a fictional character, so I’m afraid there’s no way that Friday O’Leary could possibly visit you. ☹

*sigh* Sure, why not? Anyone want to buy a time machine? Time machines going cheap! Time machines – you want ‘em, I got ‘em! Time machines! Time machines! Get your lovely time machines here! Well, there you go, everyone – that’s all we’ve got ‘time’ for in this edition of ‘Ask Andy’. See you next month, folks! Or why not buy one of my time machines, which apparently (due to massive public pressure) I now sell? In which case – see you last month! Byeeeeee, everyone! Byeeeeeeee!.